Saturday, 5 July 2014


These cruel games...I cried to sleep yesterday. Everybody is happy I won but I feel empty inside. This job is punishing. I can't seem to escape the tyrannical ghouls. 

Slowly I start to suffocate as they squeeze me in tighter

I thought about inviting a knife to my wrist  or about being reckless just to feel something instead of this. I never did have the stomach for 'it's complicated.

This depression is real...I'm falling to depths I'm scared to realise even exist. 

When there were no more tears I opted for the simple...a vacuum of silent solitude.


Sunday, 29 June 2014


I haven't been here in  a silent refuge. My hideaway for rationalisation, refocus and clarity that allowed for my evolution. Endless virtual space to unload.

I'm back because I need that again.

Somewhere along the line, I stopped believing. To coin a phrase from Nashville 'My prayers hit the ceiling'. I simply crashed...Or so it feels... 

Whatever will I do with myself...


Saturday, 6 February 2010

ghost in the shell

‘Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.’

Psalm 139: 23-24

Yet, I stay here still. I should leave... just walk away... but as I'm unsure of myself, my soul remains bound to its shell; confined. Am I only free to expand myself within boundaries that have been created? In truth all things change so perhaps it is my efforts to stay the same that have limited me. Perhaps that is why a love that I had craved so much was simply unable to break down my walls and complete me.

Sometimes I wished I had not dreamed this dream so hard... perhaps then I would not have felt so lost when Reverie became reality. Till today, I have no idea why I stood silent, like a dumb mute, with no answers to his gestures. My ghost whispers contemptuously ‘ghost-hacked humans are so pathetic, it's a shame’. I can only sigh in agreement as I tell out my soul.

All I want to do now is pretend it was just a simulated experience. False, like a dream. Yet it happened. My fantasy was real. My ghost whispers sadly ‘we weep for the blood of a bird, but not for the blood of a fish. Blessed are those with a voice’. I cannot weep because I do not know how I lost mine, yet I bleed.

I dare not dream anymore. My voice is gone. My actions seem to echo those of a coward. But I tried. I swear I tried... so much so that even distance could not come between us. My ghost whispers mockingly ‘no matter how far a jackass travels, it will never return a horse’. My thoughts shift suddenly to Italy. Alone in Milan with the lure of speed as my only friend. Life raced by me that September weekend but somehow it failed to take my hopes with it.

Just a whisper. I hear it in my ghost.

Today, again, he is close by. However, today is the first time in a long time, that I have chosen not to reach out. I do so, not to punish him but myself; should he not notice. Perhaps this will finally prove to me that when he looks at me, he sees in me only golem; an absence of form yet to be shaped from mud. Yet do I not already know this to be untrue? Simply because he helped fix my fragmented form. He stopped my heart's demise and then reconstructed my being using the clays of hope on the river banks of my tears. Happily, I morphed. I became the child of a dream. I laugh as I look up to the heavens, not in wonderment but with a certainty that ‘life perpetuates itself through diversity and this includes the ability to sacrifice itself when necessary’. Yet when I look within, inside my Section 9, I have no idea of how to cope with a such a loss. Major.

Just a whisper. I hear it in my ghost.

Perhaps I am the unknown puppet master that has been pulling my own strings; forcing myself to remember… how he pulled me close… his kiss… the times he made love to me. What of my feelings for the future?... were they just mere trick modes? This thought alone cuts me; causing a solitary sob to escape from me mid-flight. I begin to plummet into a cloud of despair. I am bleeding more now but still I choose to go... to forget. I fear that when next I hear him call my name my heart will soar again with childish joy and instinctively, I will turn and run back... I always have. Sometimes I wish my heart would turn to stone instead of being set alight by the blaze of his warmth. I look to the mirror; searching for my truth. My ghost whispers scornfully ‘when one’s face is distorted why you should blame the mirror? The mirror doesn’t help to enlighten but rather to confuse’. So I stop staring at myself and I rub my forehead; robbing it of truth.

Just a whisper. I hear it in my ghost.

Looking back, I realise that the universe conspired to keep us apart. What could be… cannot. The dream must die, for I choose to live. I finally understand. I hug my ghost as it whispers reassuringly ‘life and death come and go like marionettes dancing on a table. Once their strings are cut, they easily crumble’.

Good Shepherd, I know not of tomorrow so just for tonight all I dare ask is ‘let one walk alone, committing no sin, with few wishes, like elephants in the forest’. Please.


Wednesday, 13 January 2010

sex, lies &...4. blackberry

Ash: Shubby Doo. You! Left Lagos without saying goodbye
Shubby Doo: Sorry sweetie. How now?
Ash: I'm good. So now I find out that you're a baaaaaaaaaaaaad girl. Interesting ;) Now you must tell

Shubby Doo: Rules say just the score o! Besides you know I'm an angel
Ash: Angels barely get 100. I'm on 335 so I wanna know about your score
Shubby Doo: Crap, yours is lower than mine... o lawdy! :S
Ash: Yeah yeah just tell

Shubby Doo: How about you first?
Ash: You know I will tell you but you on ther other hand are the wild card!!!
Shubby Doo: LOL...ok maybe I was little naughty but I'm still so nice!!! ;)

So I’m wondering whether to lie or keep quiet... besides if I lie, the numbers won't add up and that means more explanations. Silence is best I think... definitely going the strong silence route... silence is that one thing that is so fragile that saying it breaks it.

But I do plan to have a little fun with him. You see his inquisition (on predominantly my sexual exploits) is because this turned up on my blackberry yesterday night… I read it and decided to play along so I tallied up my dues and I changed my status accordingly.

Feel free to have a go... and let me know your score!

This is fun to do. Just read the 'offence' and if you've done it, you owe that fine. You don't have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine.
NOTE fines to be added once, not for how ever many times you have done it....
Put in your profile My fine is £XX (whatever amount is!)

01. Smoked weed -- £10
02. Did acid or pills -- £5
03. Ever had sex at church -- £25
04. Woke up in the morning & didn't know the person who was next to you -- £40
05. Had sex with someone on MySpace/Facebook/Bebo etc -- £25
06. Had sex for money -- £100
07. Ever had sex with a Puerto Rican -- £20
08. Vandalised something -- £20
09. Had sex on your parents' bed -- £10
10. Beat up someone -- £20
11. Been jumped -- £10
12. Cross dressed -- £10
13. Given money to stripper -- £25
14. Been in love with a stripper -- £20
15. Kissed someone who's name you didn't know -- £0.10
16. Hit on some one of the same sex while at work -- £15
17. Ever drive and drank -- £20
18. Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- £50
19. Used toys while having sex -- £30
20. Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- £20
21. Went skinny dipping -- £5
22. Had sex in a pool -- £20
23 Kissed someone of the same sex -- £10
24. Had sex with someone of the same sex -- £20
25. Cheated on your significant other -- £10
26. Masturbated -- £10
27. Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend -- £20
28. Done oral -- £5
29. Got oral -- £5
30. Done / got oral in a vehicle while it was moving -- £25
31. Stole something -- £10
32. Had sex with someone in jail -- £25
33. Made a nasty home video or took pictures -- £15
34. Had a threesome -- £50
35. Had sex in public -- £20
36. Been in the same room while someone was having sex --£25
37. Stole something worth over more than a hundred quid -- £20
38. Had sex with someone 10 years older -- £20
39. Had sex with someone ten years younger -- £25
40. Been in love with two people or more at the same time-- £50
41. Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- £25
42. Went streaking -- £5

How much do u owe?

I owe £430... damn!!!!... Actually I'm going to reduce it to £405... I didn't meet them via fb so fb doesnt count jare!

Ash: I'm still wating oooooooooo!
Shubby Doo: LOL. Night Ash
Ash: Sweet dreams


Tuesday, 10 November 2009

sweet november

‘What a difference a day makes
Twenty four little hours…
…What a difference a day made
And the difference is…’

er… the difference is ME!

*Singing & Dancing*
‘...As you see me so
Edumare don bless me oh...’

I’ve changed but yet I’m still me. The clock struck 12 midnight a few minutes ago and thus rang in my birthday. My only tradition for years, on the day, is popping on a destiny’s child single called ‘birthday’ from their first album…

‘It’s your birthday you have to do nothing’… er… except go to work!!!

Good Shepherd thanks for all the mountains you've moved so I could have another today.


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