Sunday, 22 June 2008

blow

Last Saturday, I got phone call which I didn’t answer because the roaming charges in Istanbul for my UK phone tariff were high. I sent a reply to explain. The next morning I received a text message asking me to call. I replied the text with another one saying I would call once I was back in England. Then I got another text message. When I read it I thought sod the roaming charges and I called her:

Shubby Doo: Hello. What happened?
Her: Hello. Shubby Doo calm down. Please.
Shubby Doo: Don’t worry about me. What happened? Are you ok?
Her: I’m ok. I’m in bit of pain.
Shubby Doo: What was it this time? Just tell me what happened?


He had beaten her.

She said when the first blow connected; she didn’t even bother to scream she just started running. She locked the bedroom door and then locked herself in the bathroom. When he broke down both doors, she instinctively raised her arms to protect herself…it hadn’t helped. He had just continued to beat her...she said he didn’t stop when she hit the ground...he had just kept pummelling her body with punches and kicks.

She laughed bitterly when she admitted that amidst her screams, she heard him saying repeatedly “I’m going to kill you”.

At one point I thought she said he had used something to hit her over the head. I stopped her...had I heard correctly? what had he used? She said no, he had ‘just’ punched her on the head again and again…

‘just’ ke?…there is nothing ‘just’ about his behaviour.

With every blow he has ever laid on her before last saturday, as well as those blows that he rained down on her on that day, he is ignoring the bible verse that says:

‘…husband love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her’ Ephesians 5:25

Good Shepherd, let your peace descend upon him. Please show him that the way to love is through, care, affection, commitment, understanding, trust, respect, and sincerity.

I do not understand why he runs off to his village so often...please who does business in the village these days?

Despite my plea for her to stay with her sister in Lagos, reluctantly she goes with him. Before she liked going to his village to see his mother...iya was the kind hearted soul who sheltered her from her monster. His mother is dead now...she said that when she arrived there after iya died he had held on to her tightly...he had wailed he in her arms like ‘a baby’. She was not allowed at the graveside but she heard he hadn't stop crying when they were burying iya.

She does not like going to his village now because it is full of lying and thieving beggars who will say anything to him for some money…that is how they earn their way. She can see through their deceit but she has learnt that it is better to say nothing...one word against them and she incurs his wrath.

I have no understanding why an educated and well travelled man likes to surround himself in such treachery...I guess it is simply because in that remote world he is idolised falsely...she says he likes it when they call him ‘oga’...‘sir…‘governor’…‘chief’...‘daddy’...‘baba wa’...

I think he also likes taking her there when he is itching to use her as target practice...in his village she is away from her loved ones …in his village she isolated.

She is still there now. The doctor has visited her at home several times...in the room with no door. She is now on some medication. She gets more immediate relief when he gives her an injection for the pain. She says hasn't been able to sleep since that night...she is scared to close her eyes.

She says sometimes she wishes it would end...it will someday but sadly I don't think one of them will survive it...she says if by some lucky chance he leaves this world before her as a Christian she is not sure she would observe iddah as his widow...then she says that a mourning period consisting of four lunar cycles and 10 days is a small price to pay compared with what she has endured already. At other times she says she can't help but smile at the thought of her dead parents patiently waiting to receive her but then she remembers the children...always...she thinks first of the children.

Good Shepherd, watch over her. Please take up her struggle and be her shield.

One time, he tore her clothes off as he beat her at home...the village onlookers just stood there and watched the show...that time he left her bleeding and bruised in their front reception room in her underwear...this was about six to nine months after she had had major surgery...he was not the reason she had been in hospital but she was still supposed to be taking it easy.

I do not understand why:
1) It is still considered ok for a man to beat his wife in Nigeria?
2) Such men are always so adept at hiding their true colours up until the time a woman has walked up the aisle and lovingly said “I do”?

Before they got married…he was her gentleman.
After they got married…he stopped her modelling work.
After she gave birth to the children…he stopped her career as a teacher.

Like I've said his abuse is not a new thing...but it is becoming worse...sadly not only for her.

On one occasion, his little boy stood up to him. That should have stopped a grown man...but not this man. Instead, he went to his child’s room and started to throw the boy’s things out…the child was not going to sleep under his roof. She had started begging him to stop…it was not the boy’s fault…she told him he could do whatever he wanted to her. He didn’t continue his attack because he had already satisfied his thirst for violence...but now he had also evoked such fear that she was willing to submit to anything....his ego had been well fed by this notion...so much so that he did not speak to his son for 2 months...can you imagine that they had to specially seek ‘an audience’ with him so that the boy could say sorry for taking mummy’s side.

On another occassion he beat his other son for helping mummy pack as she tried to leave... she had found out (yet again o!) that he was sleeping with someone else...enough was enough...when he wasn't at home, she started moving her stuff out a little bit at a time...he found out. First he beat her...then he asked his boy where had she been going?...where was her stuff?... his eldest son refused to talk. When he was done with both of them he locked each one in a different room to think about what they had done...to think about how they had betrayed him. It was not to happen again.

I could give other examples but there is no point...it always ends the same way...with violence...not because he was raised that way o!...his mother told her that his father would have been ashamed had he lived to see this.

I think he does this because he wants to be master of all he surveys...he believes his ‘might is right’.

She is both friend and family...I cherish her beyond words...simply put...she is too dear to me to loose...but I don't understand what to do anymore as I've realised that:

Their union cannot still be a blessing because it is based on fear.

I fear one day, in his rage, she will die.

I know, for now, she will not leave him,
I know she endures it for her children.

Good Shepherd, guide and guard her under that shadow of your wing. Please keep her safe.

24 comments:

Jarrai 22 June 2008 at 23:10  

"Lord please grant her the strength to see her worth and protect her"

This is a prayer for your friend. One of my closest friends went through this and she hid it from me. When i found out she was already broken...she is on the mend now. But the story remains the same. She loved a man who will strike her without cause...am so sad reading this...it actually brought tears to my eyes.

I am going to pray for your friend while am doing my evening prayers...

The only thing you can do is be there for here...that is all.

Atutupoyoyo 22 June 2008 at 23:43  

The only thing more tragic than the man who beats his wife is the wife who is conditioned to the beatings. There is simply no excuse for a man to ever lay his hands on a woman. It is the ultimate act of cowardice.

The story is doubly sad because your friend is in Nigeria. In the Western world there are any number of support groups and organisations that would give her back the self esteem to reject this sort of abuse. In Nigeria we have, in their stead, families who will even chastise her for coming to meet them with her problems, believing that a man beating his wife is not only justified but that it is also his prerogative.

I urge you to continue to lend support and comradeship. I hope that I am proved wrong but I suspect that they are two of the few things she can rely on in these dark moments.

BlogVille Idol 23 June 2008 at 05:37  

my heart bleeds for her!!she needs to get out of there!!!not only is it acceptable for men to beat women some women dont even see it as anything sofar they are in a husbands house they are fine with it! How can a man lay his hands on his wife!!!

BlogVille Idol 23 June 2008 at 05:37  

anyway blogville idol 08 is back!check our blog for more details!tanx...Pink-satin

NaijaBabe 23 June 2008 at 11:26  

Wow, that is really sad. May God watch over her o

Afrobabe 23 June 2008 at 12:19  

Good Sheppard, guide and guard her under that shadow of your wing. Please keep her safe.

Why cant she get people to beat him up then leave the union…which kind dirty union be that abeg…Naija has opened eye to the point where people can leave their marriages without being called prostitutes…She needs to be strong and leave…if he contests her taking the kids…get awon boys to come and beat him again…again and again and again till he gets the message…Rubbish…

AlooFar 24 June 2008 at 14:22  

Prayer still works, I think.

... and thanks for your comment on the Obama Speech on Nigeria. Hi

rethots 24 June 2008 at 16:35  

Whoa!!! 'tis funny but, the dignity of a man is in his ability to make his wife defer to him out of love (she looks up to him 'cos she knows he will always protect her). Such these (as respect) are not demanded (or forced), they are earned.

Oh, that men would realise........that ultimate beauty of a relationship is to earn their wives deference.

" It is still considered ok for a man to beat his wife in Nigeria?"
Sorry, Shubby.....what means thee?
I think not 'thas ever been considered ok (or noble) for a man to beat his wife in Nigeria. You cannot will away the fact that of every 100 there'll always be a dissident. He probably is one of 'em.

naijaleta 24 June 2008 at 22:23  

I dont get it. What would make a man beat his own wife and still want to sleep with her later?

The Last King Of Scotland 25 June 2008 at 15:38  

this shameful act must stop. not only does it contravene all laws of God including man, it is also demonic and addictive. he is a bully and needs to be tamed. who will do it is the question. i pray she leaves him. i really do. wife beating is totally unacceptable. naija is soooo backward when it comes to things like this. even the cops turn a blind eye once the man has money

The Last King Of Scotland 25 June 2008 at 15:40  

@rethots- it is considered ok to beat a woman in nigeria BECAUSE NO ONE BLOODY DOES ANYTHING WHEN IT HAPPENS. NO ONE. not because it is right. it is more common than u think. waaaaaaaaaaaay more common. trust me

Free-flowing Florida 26 June 2008 at 10:38  

this is so hard 2 read. but i don't understand, y hasn't she left all this time! beating her is good enough reason, y wait till he cheats on her again! y she is stealing away! where r her relatives? r they watching & doing nothing? they r waiting till she dies first!

Free-flowing Florida 26 June 2008 at 10:45  

yes, wife-beating is common n nigeria. it's sad 2 say but daz d truth. boyfriends even beat their girlfriends. i mean, its dat common place. some women even joke abt it. 'ha! u want my husband 2 kill me 2day?' 'if i too talk, he's just land me one slap & i'll shut up my mouth'. i kid u not. 'just small beating' is not treated as a crime, where pple try 2 intervene is where d man beats d woman blue-black. but they forget dat it starts with small, b4 it graduates. meanwhile, not even n heavy-dose beating do pple advise or support d woman leaving. they say 'what God has joined together, let no man put asunder'. my ass!

shalewa 28 June 2008 at 06:16  

"he believes his ‘might is right’".local champion.he shud compete with men not his wife.I just don't get why such women hold on.where's her family?do they know?God,pls just help her.this behavior is so annoyingly accepted in nigeria.even christians do it.imagine a pastor lamenting on how a church member-i mean tongue-speaking,scripture-quoting,devil-kicking christian-believes beating his wife is logical.
I pray God keeps your friend.it wud be too sad if he claims her life.

Charizard 28 June 2008 at 14:18  
This comment has been removed by the author.
Charizard 28 June 2008 at 14:22  

My soul gets torn every single time I read stories like this...

As a kid it was for this very reason....violence against the ones you love...that made me want to be a superhero...

I made a promise to my best friend and my only sister though, and I meant it with all of my soul, I will do serious bodily harm to any man who so much as emotionally harms them...


Sometimes I ask, even though it seems to have become a rhetorical question, what can we do to stop this violence?

P.S.: Thanx for the compliment on naijaleta's blog..buh could u kindly rephrase? I didnt fully grasp what u meant said...

Thanx

Enigma 30 June 2008 at 13:07  

This is quite disturbing to read... i would KILL any man who tries that with my sister.. i dont care if she hates me for life cos she's been blinded by her love for him.... HE WILL SUFFER!

Its very shameful that monsters like that exist... i pray sincerely that she finds away out..

Naapali 9 July 2008 at 02:12  
This comment has been removed by the author.
Naapali 9 July 2008 at 02:17  

I stopped reading before the end. I stopped reading because I have seen this in a family member's life, I stopped reading because it sounds like Chimamanda Adichie's "Purple Hibiscus".

I have not walked in your friend's shoes and do not want to trifle her suffering but she stays with him at her own peril. She does not stay with him because of the children. They will be forever scarred and maimed by the repeated witnessing of their father abusing their mother. Her son(s) will grow up with less respect for women and will probably become like him and they will expect their wives to take it just like she did. Her daughter will not know what it is to be loved by a man that treats her as an equal human being. All that is if she even survives and is not killed by him.

Buttercup 19 July 2008 at 02:03  

oh my word...'monster' aptly describes who he is...just keep prayin for her like u'v bn doin....i just said a quick one....its such a scary thot, not knowin wat wud happen once u say 'i do'...may God help us all!

ebony 20 July 2008 at 06:45  

Most women don't leave abusive relationships because they fear the unknown. She most likely depends on him for her daily bread and the welfare of her children. She needs a plan to get out and begin to live again lest she dies.

Sting 21 July 2008 at 14:23  
This comment has been removed by the author.
zara (my alter ego) 24 July 2008 at 17:20  

OH MY GOD! this is sad. do things like this realli happen?(rhetoricalquestion).

MAY the good Lord guide her. i dont even know what to say.. pray for death for him? doesnt look like she has a way out.. but i guess GOd would make a way, where there seems to be no way..

Amazonian Naija Queen 30 June 2010 at 23:31  

I pray that God grants her the strength to leave before it's too late.
I say this because I recently learned about local Nigerian woman that was killed a couple of weeks ago in the same way.

Please help her to leave, and make arrangements for the children if you can. We don't want to wait until it is too late. When a man starts uttering "I'll kill you", however jokingly it might sound, he probably means it and is capable of doing it if given the perfect opportunity.
Please read this story about an event that happened a couple of weeks ago.
http://www.tampabay.com/news/publicsafety/crime/tampa-pharmacist-tried-cpr-after-killing-wife-deputies-say/1103168

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