ghost in the shell

‘Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.’

Psalm 139: 23-24

Yet, I stay here still. I should leave... just walk away... but as I'm unsure of myself, my soul remains bound to its shell; confined. Am I only free to expand myself within boundaries that have been created? In truth all things change so perhaps it is my efforts to stay the same that have limited me. Perhaps that is why a love that I had craved so much was simply unable to break down my walls and complete me.

Sometimes I wished I had not dreamed this dream so hard... perhaps then I would not have felt so lost when Reverie became reality. Till today, I have no idea why I stood silent, like a dumb mute, with no answers to his gestures. My ghost whispers contemptuously ‘ghost-hacked humans are so pathetic, it's a shame’. I can only sigh in agreement as I tell out my soul.

All I want to do now is pretend it was just a simulated experience. False, like a dream. Yet it happened. My fantasy was real. My ghost whispers sadly ‘we weep for the blood of a bird, but not for the blood of a fish. Blessed are those with a voice’. I cannot weep because I do not know how I lost mine, yet I bleed.

I dare not dream anymore. My voice is gone. My actions seem to echo those of a coward. But I tried. I swear I tried... so much so that even distance could not come between us. My ghost whispers mockingly ‘no matter how far a jackass travels, it will never return a horse’. My thoughts shift suddenly to Italy. Alone in Milan with the lure of speed as my only friend. Life raced by me that September weekend but somehow it failed to take my hopes with it.

Just a whisper. I hear it in my ghost.
Reverie.

Today, again, he is close by. However, today is the first time in a long time, that I have chosen not to reach out. I do so, not to punish him but myself; should he not notice. Perhaps this will finally prove to me that when he looks at me, he sees in me only golem; an absence of form yet to be shaped from mud. Yet do I not already know this to be untrue? Simply because he helped fix my fragmented form. He stopped my heart's demise and then reconstructed my being using the clays of hope on the river banks of my tears. Happily, I morphed. I became the child of a dream. I laugh as I look up to the heavens, not in wonderment but with a certainty that ‘life perpetuates itself through diversity and this includes the ability to sacrifice itself when necessary’. Yet when I look within, inside my Section 9, I have no idea of how to cope with a such a loss. Major.

Just a whisper. I hear it in my ghost.
Aemaeth.

Perhaps I am the unknown puppet master that has been pulling my own strings; forcing myself to remember… how he pulled me close… his kiss… the times he made love to me. What of my feelings for the future?... were they just mere trick modes? This thought alone cuts me; causing a solitary sob to escape from me mid-flight. I begin to plummet into a cloud of despair. I am bleeding more now but still I choose to go... to forget. I fear that when next I hear him call my name my heart will soar again with childish joy and instinctively, I will turn and run back... I always have. Sometimes I wish my heart would turn to stone instead of being set alight by the blaze of his warmth. I look to the mirror; searching for my truth. My ghost whispers scornfully ‘when one’s face is distorted why you should blame the mirror? The mirror doesn’t help to enlighten but rather to confuse’. So I stop staring at myself and I rub my forehead; robbing it of truth.

Just a whisper. I hear it in my ghost.
Maeth.

Looking back, I realise that the universe conspired to keep us apart. What could be… cannot. The dream must die, for I choose to live. I finally understand. I hug my ghost as it whispers reassuringly ‘life and death come and go like marionettes dancing on a table. Once their strings are cut, they easily crumble’.

Good Shepherd, I know not of tomorrow so just for tonight all I dare ask is ‘let one walk alone, committing no sin, with few wishes, like elephants in the forest’. Please.

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sweet november

‘What a difference a day makes
Twenty four little hours…
…What a difference a day made
And the difference is…’

er… the difference is ME!

*Singing & Dancing*
‘...As you see me so
Edumare don bless me oh...’

I’ve changed but yet I’m still me. The clock struck 12 midnight a few minutes ago and thus rang in my birthday. My only tradition for years, on the day, is popping on a destiny’s child single called ‘birthday’ from their first album…

*Singing*
‘It’s your birthday you have to do nothing’… er… except go to work!!!

Good Shepherd thanks for all the mountains you've moved so I could have another today.

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lord of war

That should probably read 'Lords of Wars'... becos both don plenty pass o! Apologies for my absence but I’ve dealing with too many family issues these past weeks… it’s been really HARD keeping up appearances because I just want to explode… family politics is just the shits!… all this because everybody in the House of Agbada Daggers seems content to ‘just throw one's toys out of the pram’… honestly the nursery is in a right royal mess.

‘Always resort to your native tongue in times of anger. And in times of ecstasy’
Really?! Ok sha but na pidgin I go use because e be like say dis mosquito na malaria o!!!... *SMDH*... so make I yarn my tory now make una fit understand wetin dey do me abi?

‘The problem with gun runners going to war, is that there is no shortage of ammunition’
Na true talk be dat o! You see wen money miss road go make mouth… anoda one go make yeye yab am finish… I no even fit support am… who tell am say make he dey carry woman up and down.

Instead wey make chuku chuku pour water for fire he go dey side with cry baby… chuku chuku one no even vex me jare… everybody don know say na corner corner dat one dey do pass… me, I wan laugh wen I hear say he dey tell person make dem chop bullet everytime he wan land... na wa o! Abi him too wan come say all of us no sabi dat na woman wrapper dey do both of dem... from time!!!... mscheeww.

‘The first and most important rule of gunrunning is, never get shot with your own merchandise.’
Wen I see say wahala dey ground, I come say make I try talk small... sotai I talk say na condition dey make crayfish bend… say make we open eye for compound make arm robber no enter… dem no wan hear word… say make I carry go... Na so I come see say dem fit chook me too o!... so me sef I kuku comot for road jejely make dey no use my own join am…

‘They say, "Evil prevails when good men fail to act." What they ought to say is, "Evil prevails."’
From nowhere dem come face gorimpka cry blood… say make he carry dey go… ehnnn? Becos why?! Why dem dey do like fool don pass garri? Please help me beg o!… I no even sabi how he enter wahala with dem… but e be like say na becos he no wan put eye dia.

Fear catch me no be small sha wen I hear dat one sha… mind tell me say make I rush go collect am cos e no even get money enter molue or machine or carbu carbu…

‘You know who's going to inherit the Earth? Arms dealers. Because everyone else is too busy killing each other. That's the secret to survival. Never go to war.’
Wen I reach, see am tanda dia, I tell say make he dey come. Na so moro moro come dey talk tory wey get many leg… dat pololo own no be de only one wey dey for ground... dat na kill and divide cry baby dey do since... say we just dey think say na fren fren dey do am but e be like say chuku chuku wan use style take garri from all our mouth… say im don see say serious wahala already dey for ground already... dat na why he no wan put fire for dis talk... he just dey try patch am.

I just siddon dey look am…I no even fit find mouth talk again… e be like say bad belle don plenty o!... today na today... abi na craze?!!!...*sighs*…

‘They say that I am the lord of war, but perhaps it is you.’
Make I talk true... before before na me dem dey face... as per, if trouble dey na my name dem go first call... dis time sha, I'm truly trying to help where I can even though I don't do stress... this time, ‘I am a man of peace; but when I speak, they are for war.’ Psalm 120:6-7... their irrational human behaviour is just beyond me... so much so, they ALL make me want to SCREAM!!!

Honestly, man pickin don tire!... for now I wash my hands of all the nonesense jare…

p.s
Good Shepherd abeg no vex but needs must… man no die, man no rotten. I know you understand.

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364 days at Peking

‘…A Squash vine grew beneath a towering tree.
In only twenty days it grew and spread and put forth fruit.
Of the tree it asked: 'How old are you? How many years?'
Replied the tree: 'Two hundred it would be, and surely more.'
The squash laughed and said: 'Look, in twenty days, I've done
More than you; tell me, why are you so slow?'
The tree responded: 'O little Squash, today is not the day of
reckoning between the two of us'
'Tomorrow, when winds of autumn howl down on you and me, then shall it be known for sure which one of us is the most resilient…’

Nasir Khusraw

Above is how I started my very first post.

I've stayed in this foreign land for almost a year... a year on 1st June to be exact.

I have met many new friends on this ‘journey’... including a blogger quite dear to me... better known to all here as Allied... I had the pleasure of meeting her about two weeks ago on my trip to USA.

You have met Shubby Doo and Flying Snow.

Here, I have tried to hold true to the fact that I never wanted this to be my ‘boxer rebellion’ despite the fact that this in itself is a secret society. This escape has been somewhat of a ‘battle’ because unlike ‘the boxers’, I have constantly worried that this incarnation of me would not be impervious to blades or invincible against the ‘fire spears’ of foreigners

Despite my fears, in this ‘Peking’, I have tried to stay true to myself.

Have I succeeded? I guess only The Good Shepherd truly knows :-)

So for the simply fact that in 364 days I never actually chose to ‘escape from Peking to Xian’, I'm going to celebrate this occasion by saying ‘Happy 1 year anniversary’ to this blogspot.

Blogville has been a rich experience to remember...

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happiness is egg shaped

I’m hiding behind angels
A little frightened
But already numb to the pain

I go into hospital today
For treatment
Pre-cancerous cells the letter said

I say
It is not cancer
It is not cancer
It is not cancer
‘…keep your kiss of death
'Cause I choose glory, yeah.’

I called my friend yesterday to talk it through
Why?
Respice Finem
She allayed my fears
The Doctor tells me it s quite normal to be abnormal

My advice to you ladies is get smear tests done reguarly
Is it every 3 or 5 years they recommend?
I can't quite remember

I do know
That I am calm
That I am and have always been blessed
So I am still able to smile and laugh in the here and now
I cherish that

So like I said I’ll head out for treatment in a couple of hours... going there with the Good Shepherd =)

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black swan

So I’m reading a book called The Black Swan; a novel written by Nassim Nicholas Taleb. Its premise is the big uncertainty that people never take account of… one that is never mitigated for… one that no contingency is set aside to take care of… simply because living in a box prevents us from thinking outside of it. As a result, society has conditioned us to very rarely factor in any uncertainty associated with black swans into any of our evaluations.

People used to think that all swans were white… it was what was once known to be true so during that time one would have been ridiculed beyond humiliation for even daring to think otherwise… that is… until a black swan was sighted.

An unassailable belief, eventually disproved has three attributes: firstly, it is rooted in the realm of regular expectations; secondly, there is an extreme impact associated with the realisation that the belief no longer holds true; and lastly, there is a need for a concocted explanation that fits. The third is necessary… why?... simply because people do not like the unknown… I guess it is comforting to think that everything can still fit neatly inside the box they choose to live in.

Like I said in the house of agbada daggers, this is my look inward through an enclosure of boundless space. This weblog is what I use to capture thoughts and memories as they occur since I don’t keep a diary. The good thing about this practice is I cannot hide behind retrospective distortion… I cannot overevaluate because my ability to rationalise to a final answer is limited.

Does it really matter that I am doing this without the full benefit of hindsight… I guess it is a condition of life that one suffers or benefits as a consequence of a series of unfolding events without never really being able to see the full picture. I hope that by writing down my unrevised perceptions that contain no illusions of understanding, I may study these events later… to be better prepared perhaps... is that even possible?!... not absolutely.

As this is a diary of sorts, I should have started this entry with how I was feeling today…physically, I am fine… well apart from my nose… you see yesterday I decided to be lazy (by not walking over to the passenger side of my car to get my shopping) which resulted in me smashing my nose against the side frame of the car as I turned to remove the shopping bags that I had reached over to get. I swear to God I thought I heard a crack. Now how is that for unplanned impact?... lol… I laugh now but it still hurts like mad... I can breathe ok so I didn’t rush to A&E.

So apart from that I am doing okay (the ton of assignments I have to do for the various projects I am working on don’t count).

So now I sit in bed and type this to the still of the night. I am one that has always cherished the peace within. Yet for the past four weeks I have lain awake listening to the searching hum of your song. Why? To you I am a black swan: ‘the incomprehensible’ despite the fact that I try and stay as what you know.

How I wish I could make you understand that Flying Snow is a just that part of me that dares to dream the serendipitous dreams of the black swan. Will you not dream with me? I know you are scared but try and understand that people in glass houses should not throw stones... our joint failing is that ‘we do not learn that we do not learn’.

I love you but I do not understand this need of yours for corroboration… as you look for strength in confirming bias based on loose concoctions; I see vulnerability. I know why you are desperate for others to see a false danger by disconfirming my establish truth… but how can that work? you were the one that taught me that my world is not flat, but round. Truth is truth.

These past few weeks, before I laid my head to sleep, I have looked to the faith in myself and prayed, just like you taught me. I still see a world of infinite possibilities. Let me tell you of one of other marvels the Good Shepherd showed me: it was you. I saw you smiling, arms outstretched and full with your parcels; gifts of love, ever selfless.

Your love is like nothing else: giving, insightful but it can also be lawless, crushing and unremorseful.

You are afraid,
I am afraid.

Mãe, I keep trying but you have to meet me halfway…

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the usual suspects

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas. Wishing you all a happy and blessed start to the New Year.

I got back from Lagos on Wednesday. I’ve swapped the heat only to find that being re-immersed in the cold is more unbearable. C'est la vie I guess.

I had a fab holiday…

OMG, before I forget let me just say that while in Lagos, I watched the Nigerian films ‘Jenifa’ and ‘Jenifa 2’... suliat kan, aiyetoro kan… LMAO... filmed in Yoruba but with English subtitles I think part 1 is a must see for all... absolutely hilarious!!!

OK... back to the jist of this post... i.e. what I got up to... Smaragd, just to let you know that I rocked a little at places like Caliente, Penthouse, Insomnia and Auto Lounge… what else did I do?… I went to Federal Palace… I visited Shoprite for the very 1st time (more for necessity than curiosity)… I went to 2 weddings, one kiddie party, and attended our New Year’s Day family event… funny sha this is the first time in years I purposely didn't take my camera out with me. So I've decided to commit, the various snapshots of my memories hanging out with the usual suspects here. Some, you know… like Rosetta, Reverie, Spartan, Wole Ray and Jay but others you don't… like Niata, Ababa and Kujan plus I met new people like IJ, Ash and Baer.

I just can't believe we're going to walk into certain death
I hope that Jeremy Hoyland, the British jet skier that went missing off the coast of Bali, two months ago is found safe and sound soon. It just brings home how dangerous our antics could have been. Last Sunday, by the time Reverie turned up to pick me up, we'd already missed the boat. I had just about given up the ghost on going to the beach but Reverie decided otherwise.

Reverie: I was going to go on the Jet Ski by myself but you're coming with me. You know we are going to fall in don't you
Shubby Doo: Yes… crap… Ok, let's go

Luckily, we didn't fall into the water as we rode all the way from the ikoyi to ilashe… from behind I clung on to him... and for most of the time I had my eyes closed... so you see when we finally caught up with the boat that had left 20 minutes before us… I was more than just relieved.

Get yourself laid
I did.

I got thrown this job by some lawyer
The job was simple really… I just had to let her outshine me… as if. IJ is one of those girls I normally stay well clear off… she is the kind that name drops and thinks she is the most attractive girl in the room even with her nasty weave. I met her at a wedding that I went to with Niata. She purposely manoeuvred her bleached... whoops... I meant to say toned body to sit next to the guy I was chatting with and her dumb gob just spoilt the intelligent conversation we were having. 2 hours later at a BBQ, she saw me walking past and stopped me.
IJ: Hmmm… You’re the engineer aren’t you?
Shubby Doo: Yes… & you’re the lawyer

I walked away and when I came back to sit down she had miraculously remembered my name. I saw her smile fade when Reverie came to sit next to me. It completely disappeared when Spartan stopped dead in his tracks as he realised he wasn’t hallucinating, winked at me and then marched straight up to me to say hello.

Well I believe in God, and the only thing that scares me is Keyser Söze
The attraction Spartan and I still share scares me… our chemistry is still as ‘excited’... our Keyser Söze is still as ‘dangerous’... as it was the 1st day we met… so how exactly we managed to keep politely saying hello to each other without tearing each other's clothes off after a year with no real contact is a mystery. Whatever he is doing… whoever he is with… he stops and drops everything just for me…
Spartan: Are you ok?
Shubby Doo: I'm fine thank you

I know he doesn't get it but it is not for me anymore. How he always found a way to try and talk to me, hold my waist or stroke my arm in the shadows is beyond me… I was mostly indifferent to it... but the fact that it was always done out of sight of his babe did cause me some concern because I've always know him to be truthful. As far as I'm concerned we are just friends now… it’s an ego thing I think… basically, he cannot understand why I walked away from ‘us’ without blinking… but I’m sure he’ll deal with it soon enough.

After that my guess is that you will never hear from him again
If only. I met Ababa at the beach 3 years ago… his conversation skills have not matured in that time. Apparently Jay tells me that Ababa is ever so shy and quite sweet when he is sober but I guess that means I've only met him when he has had something to drink and his manners have gone to pot.
Ababa: I love your eyes
Shubby Doo: Thank you
Ababa: I wonder what they would look like at the moment of penetration
Shubby Doo: You'll never know. At 21, I couldn't tolerate such nonsense let alone at this age. Excuse me

Before I left he asked for my London number. I refused to reply. He went on facebook and wrote nonsense on my wall… my brother ATA says I should just limit profile his ass… I think I might just do that. After that my guess is that he’ll probably not hear from me again.

That's funny. He called me last night
He called and asked me to go outside and look at the moon… I did… and yes everybody has yabbed me already because apparently I should have pretended but then I wouldn't have seen what Ash was talking about... the bright star shouldering its crescent.

I met Ash at a club I went to with Niata. I liked him from the very start. We danced and talked and danced some more. He offered to take me home when Reverie disappeared... chasing women as usual...
Shubby Doo: Where is he? I can't see him... Ok I'm not going to panic for another 10 minutes... darn... I should have gone home with Niata
Ash: No you shouldn't. I'm glad you stayed

Anyway, the word is he carries around a lotta cash
IJ came to my rescue and took Baer away from me… he bored me shitless... and I got so sick and tired from rolling my eyes all night… it was that bad.
Baer: Can you imagine that guy told them to send me the bill for the extra stuff he ordered
Shubby Doo: I don’t understand. Why would he?
Baer: I organised the BBQ and paid for it and he had the audacity to send the bill for the extra stuff he ordered to me
Shubby Doo: Pele… that’s not right
Baer: People always do that to me. They know I have money and I guess that is what happens when you work like me… I mean I could do a 9 to 5 job but then I wouldn't have as much money and…

I don’t remember the rest… I’d switched off

In English, please?
Kujan is hilarious… as soon as he gets into London and sees oyinbo people he’s accent switches…even with Nigerians… he just can’t help blowing his phonetics… He took the seat I’d saved for Reverie at the Christmas table… yet I wasn’t disappointed with his company… we teased each senseless about our accents… I haven’t laughed so much during Christmas dinner like I did with Kujan… I’m hoping to catch up with him in London sometime this month.

A rumor's not a rumor that doesn't die
Tinuke: Aunty Shubby Doo I saw you and Uncle Reverie flirting
Shubby Doo: You?!!!… you have started with that active mind of yours again abi?
Tinuke: You were flirting
Shubby Doo: Maybe the intensity you saw was me having a go at him. He was supposed to take me somewhere and he didn't
Tinuke: Hmmm… maybe... I still think you were flirting!!!

On another occasion when it was time to leave and go home, Niata came back to tell me that I was, in fact, staying.
Niata: Your husband said I cannot take you. He says he'll drop you off.
Shubby Doo: Which husband?
Niata: Reverie
Shubby Doo: Hahaha… he came here cause I told him we were coming… we've not really hung out this last week that we've both been back in Lagos… I'll just double check with him but I'll probably stay. Thanks anyway

You kids ready?
That’s what I think of Jay’s girlfriend… a kid… she is totally insecure about my friendship with him… so much so that she stopped him from coming out with me on New Year's Eve despite the fact she couldn't accomodate him in her plans. I told him it was ok… he was so embarrassed. Apparently he warned her well... he felt that she had insulted me and inadvertently got him to insult our friendship. He called to take me out to Terra Culture 2 days later. We then ended up at Sky Bar (EKO Hotel) for dinner. She called every hour… after the 3rd time she called him back immediately to talk to me… apparently she thought it might have seemed rude that she hadn’t asked to say hello… silly girl... if she thinks I'm going to give up on my trusted confidant she has another thing coming.

Put a leash on that puppy
Before I left Lagos, Jay called me.
Jay: You need to talk to Reverie. I don't know what you two are playing at but you guys have something and you both don't want to deal with it
Shubby Doo: Ok I will
Jay: No you won't
Shubby Doo. You are right I won't
Jay: Shubby Doo
Shubby Doo: Swiftly changing the subject… guess who I spoke to last night?… Ash
Jay: And?
Shubby Doo: He was a bit ratty… his car had broken down... it over heated... and he was complaining because he hadn’t eaten all day except for a chocolate bar… I told him he sounded irritable so I was going to leave him be... to at least get something to eat… plus I had to go because they had just served up my pounded yam
Jay: You are wicked…
Shubby Doo: I know... hahaha... can you imagine that the poor guy couldn't stop himself from asking if it was powdered pounded yam... I gleefully told him it was the real kind… POUNDED YAM!
Jay: Hahaha

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist. And like that... he is gone.
I got to see my Aunty Grace. She is undergoing the treatment she needs… some days are better than others but she is a pillar of strength… she is doing much better than I’d hoped…

For those of you that helped to pray with me when I posted amazing grace... Thank you again for your support and kind words... the devil is a liar... she is well in Jesus' name.

Good Shepherd she is in your hands. Continue to heal her. Please

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problem solving

Problem solving is considered one of the most complex of all intellectual functions. It is seen as a higher-order cognitive process that requires modulation and control.

So I have a small problem at the moment… my root cause analysis of the situation concluded that I over-indulged during my birthday trip… yay. However, if left unchecked, I will look like a beached whale in my bikini this Christmas… boo… besides Sod's Law dictates dat na facebook dem go use to expose me…

So I’m on a diet… The Food Doctor’s Diet… I’ve lost 3 kg in 3 weeks. Not bad but I’m not quite where I want to be yet. The process involves following some simple rules:

• No sugar – I miss cakes
• No caffeine – I miss drinking tea & coffee… especially at this time of the year… I need it to help combat the cold… mehnn I couldn’t feel my feet last night… seriously, it was like they were encased in ice despite the fact that they were supposedly insulated within a pair of thick socks, a 15 tog duvet and a pretty solid bedspread… I was that cold!
• Eat fat to loose fat – I no sabi dat logic sha but wetin concern me… if it works I'm down!
• Eat 5 times a day – yes o…5 times!… 3 main meals (each two palm/hand size portions) and 2 snacks (each just a palm/hand size portion)…
• No smoking – I don't anyhow
• No stress – Wish someone would tell my boss that
• No simple carbs - I've waved bye bye to white bread, white rice and pasta
• No starchy carbohydrates for dinner (I can only have that for breakfast and lunch) – this means that I cannot look forward to dishes like jollof rice in the evenings :-(
• Increase intake of complex carbohydrates – but I broke my Jack La Lanne juicer as I was cleaning it – I had to stop and ask myself… ‘Shubby Doo how does one break the rotating spring casing while trying to re-assemble it?’… how I did it I don’t know… what I do know is if I was to use it now I’d electrocute myself… I’m bummed out by it because it was the only way to make sure that I got my daily intake of fruit and veg…it’s now a struggle because as a child I was never any good at eating my greens… to be honest I wasn't good at eating full stop…hence the childhood name bone-ga-fish…
• Exercise at least 3 times a week for 20 minutes minimum – so I’m doing my pilates workout (that includes cardio!) every evening. The definition is slowly coming back to my body; I’m toning up and my muscles are leaner ;-)
• Pareto Principle – if I'm good 80% of the time, the other 20% doesn't matter!

I’ve applied a simple formula to a small problem (admittedly to do with my vanity) but I’m very sure that I’ll end up with the right result.

These last few weeks I’ve been overwhelmed by the number of bigger problems out there in the world.

Two weeks ago - I sat, flabbergasted, as I watched the documentary on the practice in Akwa Ibom, Nigeria… a classic case of how a perspective on a phenomenon has created one… I mean how the fuck does a community continue its barbaric practice of branding its children as child witches and then torture and kill them?!… in this day and age?! haba…

Last week - I was utterly confused as to why those retards entered Mumbai, India… solely for the purpose of reeking havoc at the taj mahal hotel, oberoi trident hotel, caman hotel, nariman place and café leopoid… I keep checking the news and still opacity… so I’m asking WTF for?!

Over the w/e - I was monitoring the religious/ ethnic violent riots in Jos, Nigeria… a result of the contested elections… all the time knowing that the deaths were preventable and absolutely senseless!

Today is World AIDS Day – but I still cannot fathom why people choose to have unsafe sex…people should fucking double bag IMO!

Ever heard of the joke ‘why is a maths book so sad?… well it’s because it contains so many problems’… but isn't maths supposed to be ‘the’ universal language of the world?… correction…of the universe as we know it… one that needs no translation to be completely understood… Especially in relation to the examples given above; I mean why can’t the foundations of mathematics be used to teach people that the axioms that they hold true are massively flawed. Simply because each is a starting point from which nothing else logically follows… *sighs*

Generally, I live my life holding steadfast to a lesson I learnt in church many years ago… ‘if you’re not part of the solution you are part of the problem’… but like Shakespeare pointed out in Hamlet… ‘ay, there's the rub’… what is the solution?… I remember this textbook I had in university… Stroud's Engineering Mathematics… we called it our engineering bible just because it had a detailed worked solution to everything.

Good Shepherd, why can’t there be a finite answer for each and every one of the world’s problems?…only one right non-elusive answer no matter the method of derivation.

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amazing grace

She is an amazing gift of grace… so it cannot splinter her hopes or silence her courage. She holds within her love's unfathomable ability… so it will not cripple her into loving (even a wretch) conditionally. She is embraced in godly fellowship… so it shall not smother her spirit or corrode her faith.

Good Shepherd be with her as she tries to overcome the snares of this danger because 'tis only your grace, her fears, relieve.

So these were my thoughts and prayers as I spoke to my brother when he called today. Somehow I also kept hearing the words of the The Script… so I began ‘looking for those heroes in the sky’… that ‘teach us how to fly’… in order to beg them to reach down with their convalescent hands and mend her wings with just a touch.

Good Shepherd let your words been her constant lullaby despite the fact that at the moment ‘together we cry…’

So what is this all about?

My brother told me that Aunty Grace was in hospital, recovering from an operation. Confused, I asked why. It was to remove a lump in her chest.

Ali: It’s cancer.

I stayed silent… trying to choke back the tears as my heart broke uneven… but they started to spill gently down… pausing for a moment to caress my cheek… before hitting the ground.

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me, my health & I

Last week I turned down workingon a project which meant I’d have to commute to up north every Monday and return back to mine on Friday… the drive is about 6 hours each way…I politely told them no thanks & then added if they chose to keep on taking work up north then they should hire competent folk that live in the area…

This week I got coerced into being the Engineering Consultant for a new bid and I’m not inspired at all…5 days of my time is all I’ve agreed to… I just hope 5 days of work will NOT turn into 3 weeks…

I can’t seem to concentrate at work this week… I don’t feel well… I think I might be coming down with a cold… watery eyes plus my glands are slightly swollen... my own is that if it is a cold it should just come and pass quickly jo…

I'm blaming my Principal Consultant because he came in with a cold this week... also blaming him since he is the one that keeps pointing the Engineering Managers to my desk to ask me to work on projects that he cannot work on... despite the fact that we are BOTH fully loaded my name is still the automatic default from his lips.

Saying that he has just snuck off to 'The Boat Show'... he was trying to keep it quiet from me but I heard him whispering and acting shifty... not like him... then I saw him turning off his computer early... very unlike him... so I walked up to his desk and was like... ‘er... erm... what are you doing cos you better not be dashing off? btw what is all this I just overheard about a boat show?’... the poor guy looked like he'd just been caught with his hands in the cookie jar... lol

Despite the fact that I was amused, I met his stuttered reply with a stern look... at which point he just laughed... I wasn't too hard on him sha because he was here until about 7pm last night... COB is 4:30pm... I left at about 6:30pm yesterday but it was a longish day for me because I was in for 7:30am.

Anyway... back to my health... I have a pain in my neck… I ignored it over the weekend but it is still there… I know full well it is hurting in the same place as it did 4 years ago…

Good Shepherd just send one of your angels to hold me… for now that’s all I ask.

Maybe it is in my head but at the moment… about everything… I am thinking of this passage:

‘…For I will restore you to health and I will heal you of your wounds,' declares the LORD…’ Jeremiah 30:17

So be it, in Jesus Name.

What was I saying?... oh yes... 4 years ago I found a very small lump in my neck… I searched around at the time and found another…I have to thank God for small mercies because neither have grown since I showed the doctor back then… but I never went back like he suggested…

I will register with a doctor's surgery tonight… I should have done so when I moved up here but hey 21 months is an improvement for me… last time I moved it took me over 2 years to register…actually it was probably closer to 3 years.

Hopefully they’ll quickly transfer my medical notes from the old doctor's practice so I can make an appointment for next week… else I’ll pick them up next Tuesday when I drive south to discuss my Russian work.

Must remember to call the HR dept and take up the private health care option that I’m now entitled to have…no disrespect to the NHS.

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crossroad blues

This post is dedicated to Naapali (doc since you say you have a compass and a map…I’d really like to know where you got those from so that I may source mine too and use them to avoid the hazards of the valleys).

Anyway… back to my post…

I will start with snowflakes… these are formed from tiny super-cooled cloud droplets as they freeze. Each one is approx 10μm (i.e. 10 microns) in diameter…delicate things don’t you think?… they have a geometry that is so intricate that each one is deemed unique… much like the human soul.

I have said before that within the House of Agbada Daggers I am Flying Snow (do you like the new profile pic btw?… I think it quite appropriate!)

Well sometimes I feel like a glacier formed from snow; a slow river of compacted ice made so because the years have forced so much air out of me. If that is truly the case then I hope I am like a tidewater glacier that flows back into the sea of life. However, I am scared that when I get there a piece of me will break off in the deep water and in doing so that iceberg might cause the water to explode upwards.

I came very close to exploding this weekend when somebody close to me lied to me. They looked into my eyes, then called God’s name and lied.

The lie could not hurt me but my heart bled for the one that he would keep hurting; as well as for the others that he would keep trying to hurt. That I cannot abide. To say my soul is not troubled about this… about what I am capable of doing to stop this… is untrue.

This weekend I realised that I was at a metaphorically juncture in my life because both the physical and abstract met. I saw the devil in his eyes and he offered me a deal but I refused to trade in my soul or theirs. He told me that he would release the pain I have carried for too long so that Flying Snow would not become as cold and hard as ice.

Good Shepherd with you there is no pain… whatever there is here in this life… is not everlasting… that comes after.

So knowing this to be true, how could I suddenly accept a deal with the devil to become the King of the Delta Blues?… I could not. I did not. I will not. What did I do?… I simply chose to sing my ordinary version of the crossroad blues. For now, that is the small thing that I can do to ward him off; in doing so I have committed my worries and fears to God.

So here I am… at an intersection of roads…is there a better way to say that?… hmmm… I think there is… I am at a crossroad in life and I want to continue and embark on my own path. In doing so I feel like I am betraying another because I know I must leave the old behind. Only then can I return to it; only then can I understand more about the beauty of ages.

Good Shepherd I am looking to you (as I have always have) to guide me on this path.

Besides… you know I hate the idea of a satellite navigation systems simply because someone once told me that ‘women can’t read maps’… I will not be beaten by that statement… yes, I admit that I have gotten lost plenty of times; within cities, en route to cities, en route in life. Mostly because I have not trusted myself. This lack of self belief somtimes causes me to take a left or right turn much too early when I should have just continued forward. Goodness me, I even remember my delight at actually being able to drive on my own only to find out that I had missed my exit at a roundabout and was already halfway to Liverpool instead of Manchester.

Good Shepherd I want you to know that I will not stop trying to master how to read that map.

I will continue trying to drive through life without the devil on my shoulder, whispering where to go to me or telling me when to change gears … so what if I failed my driving test two times before… I passed it the third time. So what if I crashed the company hire car into the car park gates as I tried to reverse out… I believe that that is what car insurance is for.

My soul is insured through you. I smile now as I remember crying late that night when I was driving. I had followed diversion upon diversion not really knowing where they were taking me. I had been on the road for nearly 8 hours. It was close to midnight. I was tired and lost…very certain I would drive into a ditch cloaked in darkness. I calmed myself down and prayed. I decided to risk it and take the next turning and suddenly I stumbled upon a hotel. They had no spare room but the lady at the desk called another hotel about 5 miles away and organised a room for me. There is where I laid my head to sleep that night. It was a peaceful sleep for I knew that:

‘... thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me...’ Psalm 23

I will continue my best on this path… Yes I know I drive a little too fast for your liking at times… darn, I even admit to taking part in those unofficial races on the motorway. Er… I guess I am also a little too impatient at other times… I have used the inside lane to undertake in the past and you've seen me overtake those slow moving tractors on narrow country lanes… and perhaps once or twice I have very stupidly tried to out manoeuvre another on a blind summit.

Good Shepherd thank you for always being there with me and stopping me from endangering others and myself.

I have discovered that it is important to pace myself… the key is to learn from my mistakes and grow into that which I know myself to be … as a result I am a better driver… my map reading is coming along too :-)

Good Shepherd I choose you. Always.

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blow

Last Saturday, I got phone call which I didn’t answer because the roaming charges in Istanbul for my UK phone tariff were high. I sent a reply to explain. The next morning I received a text message asking me to call. I replied the text with another one saying I would call once I was back in England. Then I got another text message. When I read it I thought sod the roaming charges and I called her:

Shubby Doo: Hello. What happened?
Her: Hello. Shubby Doo calm down. Please.
Shubby Doo: Don’t worry about me. What happened? Are you ok?
Her: I’m ok. I’m in bit of pain.
Shubby Doo: What was it this time? Just tell me what happened?

He had beaten her.

She said when the first blow connected; she didn’t even bother to scream she just started running. She locked the bedroom door and then locked herself in the bathroom. When he broke down both doors, she instinctively raised her arms to protect herself…it hadn’t helped. He had just continued to beat her...she said he didn’t stop when she hit the ground...he had just kept pummelling her body with punches and kicks.

She laughed bitterly when she admitted that amidst her screams, she heard him saying repeatedly “I’m going to kill you”.

At one point I thought she said he had used something to hit her over the head. I stopped her...had I heard correctly? what had he used? She said no, he had ‘just’ punched her on the head again and again…

‘just’ ke?…there is nothing ‘just’ about his behaviour.

With every blow he has ever laid on her before last saturday, as well as those blows that he rained down on her on that day, he is ignoring the bible verse that says:

‘…husband love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her’ Ephesians 5:25

Good Shepherd, let your peace descend upon him. Please show him that the way to love is through, care, affection, commitment, understanding, trust, respect, and sincerity.

I do not understand why he runs off to his village so often...please who does business in the village these days?

Despite my plea for her to stay with her sister in Lagos, reluctantly she goes with him. Before she liked going to his village to see his mother...iya was the kind hearted soul who sheltered her from her monster. His mother is dead now...she said that when she arrived there after iya died he had held on to her tightly...he had wailed he in her arms like ‘a baby’. She was not allowed at the graveside but she heard he hadn't stop crying when they were burying iya.

She does not like going to his village now because it is full of lying and thieving beggars who will say anything to him for some money…that is how they earn their way. She can see through their deceit but she has learnt that it is better to say nothing...one word against them and she incurs his wrath.

I have no understanding why an educated and well travelled man likes to surround himself in such treachery...I guess it is simply because in that remote world he is idolised falsely...she says he likes it when they call him ‘oga’...‘sir…‘governor’…‘chief’...‘daddy’...‘baba wa’...

I think he also likes taking her there when he is itching to use her as target practice...in his village she is away from her loved ones …in his village she isolated.

She is still there now. The doctor has visited her at home several times...in the room with no door. She is now on some medication. She gets more immediate relief when he gives her an injection for the pain. She says hasn't been able to sleep since that night...she is scared to close her eyes.

She says sometimes she wishes it would end...it will someday but sadly I don't think one of them will survive it...she says if by some lucky chance he leaves this world before her as a Christian she is not sure she would observe iddah as his widow...then she says that a mourning period consisting of four lunar cycles and 10 days is a small price to pay compared with what she has endured already. At other times she says she can't help but smile at the thought of her dead parents patiently waiting to receive her but then she remembers the children...always...she thinks first of the children.

Good Shepherd, watch over her. Please take up her struggle and be her shield.

One time, he tore her clothes off as he beat her at home...the village onlookers just stood there and watched the show...that time he left her bleeding and bruised in their front reception room in her underwear...this was about six to nine months after she had had major surgery...he was not the reason she had been in hospital but she was still supposed to be taking it easy.

I do not understand why:
1) It is still considered ok for a man to beat his wife in Nigeria?
2) Such men are always so adept at hiding their true colours up until the time a woman has walked up the aisle and lovingly said “I do”?

Before they got married…he was her gentleman.
After they got married…he stopped her modelling work.
After she gave birth to the children…he stopped her career as a teacher.

Like I've said his abuse is not a new thing...but it is becoming worse...sadly not only for her.

On one occasion, his little boy stood up to him. That should have stopped a grown man...but not this man. Instead, he went to his child’s room and started to throw the boy’s things out…the child was not going to sleep under his roof. She had started begging him to stop…it was not the boy’s fault…she told him he could do whatever he wanted to her. He didn’t continue his attack because he had already satisfied his thirst for violence...but now he had also evoked such fear that she was willing to submit to anything....his ego had been well fed by this notion...so much so that he did not speak to his son for 2 months...can you imagine that they had to specially seek ‘an audience’ with him so that the boy could say sorry for taking mummy’s side.

On another occassion he beat his other son for helping mummy pack as she tried to leave... she had found out (yet again o!) that he was sleeping with someone else...enough was enough...when he wasn't at home, she started moving her stuff out a little bit at a time...he found out. First he beat her...then he asked his boy where had she been going?...where was her stuff?... his eldest son refused to talk. When he was done with both of them he locked each one in a different room to think about what they had done...to think about how they had betrayed him. It was not to happen again.

I could give other examples but there is no point...it always ends the same way...with violence...not because he was raised that way o!...his mother told her that his father would have been ashamed had he lived to see this.

I think he does this because he wants to be master of all he surveys...he believes his ‘might is right’.

She is both friend and family...I cherish her beyond words...simply put...she is too dear to me to loose...but I don't understand what to do anymore as I've realised that:

Their union cannot still be a blessing because it is based on fear.

I fear one day, in his rage, she will die.

I know, for now, she will not leave him,
I know she endures it for her children.

Good Shepherd, guide and guard her under that shadow of your wing. Please keep her safe.

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the good kind

There is this lovely guy at work...in his late twenties …we are part of a group that goes to the same resort for outdoor sports training…I ski or snowboard for about 2 hours but he goes all the way there just for 15minutes in the wind tunnel to perfect his skydiving techniques…“pure madness” I tell him but he simply replies “the good kind.”

I just found out some frightening news about him and I’m floored…

I came in from lunch to an announcement…in my mind I was like ‘what is it again…these execs in my company just like to talk sha’…I was shocked to find out that this guy is in an intensive care unit in Paris…what?!!!...I can’t believe it…he only just took the secondment to go to France.

They say he was in car accident on his way to work this morning. British consulate will only release info to his family. The company are flying his family to see him.

Adam you are in my prayers.

‘…the Spirit of him… who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life …through his Spirit who dwells in you.’ Romans 8:11

Good Shepherd help him to get well

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