sex, lies &...3. chaos

This is a hilarious... while I 100% support Baba Suwe's beloved's mantra of ‘you gats to give, to receive’... I can't stop laughing at his response.

When I get up off the floor and the tears subside I might try and decode what Baba Suwe says here for the non yorubas... although most of the rest of this clip is sub-titled, the classic bits of his rant are not... which is great shame. Like I said I might try but as doing so will most likely cause me to collapse in a fit of laughter again, I can make no promises =)

What I will say is one has to respect him for how he sticks to his guns with respect to what he regards as a gross act of foreplay... I doubled over as he kept repeating similar words to those sang by Meatloaf... ‘I can do anything for love but I won't do that’... but his sentiments are an antonym to those of the song... LOL.

What Baba Suwe's girl wanted: Head.

Resulting chaos: Baba Suwe started ranting and raving; basically, saying ‘hell no’.... in the end there was no sex that night as both of them tried to make their respective points on the matter.

Moral: There is a line that one should never be forced to cross to please another.

Baba Suwe, let katakata burst jo... norring do you jare... I support your theory o! (not this particular one sha)... but I do support the idea behind it… one should never agree to do something, sexually, that makes one uncomfortable for another.

Speaking of chaos... I will take this opportunity to do ‘2 truths and 1 lie’... I was tagged by Doug. No, I will not be tagging any others or pasting the rules here... yes, I do know that it may be unwise to forego the rules or break the chain... & yes, I also understand that by purposely doing so, I may spurn the universe's wrath. Will it dash me a hard slap of ‘the butterfly effect’ for my disobedience?….who knows… but what I do know is that, for this, I am choosing not to give into any notion based on an unrealistic sensitive dependence. So I post this in the hope that the flapping wings of that butterfly that has just taken flight, halfway across the world, will not result in a tornado in my life; as these scenarios can themselves, already, be deemed as salacious or perhaps even scandalous. Thankfully, I can say they have been rarity in my life.

Case 1.
What a girl wanted: To suprise her boyfriend... so I once decided to turn up at his house, using the set of keys he had cut for me. I just wanted to see him as we had been going through another rough patch... basically, his complaint was we didn't see each other often enough. As I snuck out of my parents place and disappeared off their radar, I couldn't help smiling to myself... the thought never crossed my mind that he would be anything other than happy to see me.

Resulting chaos: I caught him in bed with another woman... I stayed there, silent, for what seemed like an age as my mind screamed ‘not again, not again’. When, I woke them up, he stupidly tried to convince me that it wasn’t what I was thinking… then the madness ensued.

Moral: Stop flogging a dead horse because a leopard can't change its spots... (& no the moral of the story for the guys isn't 'do not cut keys to your place for your girlfriend').

Case 2.
What a girl wanted: To get her groove on… so I drank a glass of double Remy Martin & Coke when I was out with a guy I was seeing… then I started sipping on a second glass but left it, unfinished, when it was time to leave the bar. This I did as I was coming to the end of the course of prescribed amphetamines which I had completely forgotten I had taken earlier that morning.

Resulting chaos: I passed out and woke up with the hangover from hell, in a hotel room. I was completely starkers; sporting only the vaguest flashbacks (but no real memory) of the night before.

Moral: Don’t EVER drink while taking drugs... prescribed or otherwise.

Case 3.
What a girl wanted: Love… even the tainted kind... so I let a married man slip his hand inside my bra as my friend drove. When we got to his place to drop him off, I wasted no time in jumping out of the car after he offered to take me home as I lived nearby. I followed him inside, upstairs and into the bedroom to get his car keys.

Resulting chaos: I had an affair with a married man and ended up becoming a home wrecker; he left her for me... only to break my heart later.

Moral: What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder (Mark 10:9).

Which is my lie?

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*UPDATED on 07/02/2009*... specifically to hold off the two hell hounds at my heels (i.e. my dearest Afrobabe and the lovely Avartsy)… the answer is now below in inviso text:

Answer: Case 3 is the lie (truth is I told 2 truths followed by one lie… so I am not really a rule breaker afterall ;-P)

I never had any sort of an affair with Serb. I’ve never seen him since that night we dropped him off. I did hear that at the time he was trying to ‘cop a feel’, his loving wife had left for London to give birth to his 2nd child... *shakes head & sighs*... may that never be my portion.

I hope and pray that the only married man that I will ever follow into the bedroom will be mine. AMEN.

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sex, lies &...2. games

I knew she liked ‘the game’. In particular, Rosetta liked strategising about how best to play ‘the game’ with whomever she chose to play it with. As it was her only real mental stimulation, she played for maximum physical satisfaction.

At first I ignored them. Then the status updates on fb went from being just puzzling to slightly melodramatic. Finally they became very worrying. After 3 weeks, it had not stopped so I checked her wall. Some of her 600+ friends had already asked after her well being but few of these were our mutual friends. With a sense of perplexity, I sent her a text to check her sanity. She called me back.

Babes I have so missed you. All these yeye friends here just dey like to knife person for back.

Was that what the cryptic fb messages had been about?

Yes. I have been to hell and back. I was in so much pain but God is great. He delivered me after I went through so much. Do you know I was pregnant? What am I saying?... seriously, I was o! It happened recently. The baby’s father acted like an asshole sha. At first when I told him, he didn’t know what to do or say. Then he started behaving like a childish fool and he kept messing up. He even stopped taking my calls. Now that it is all done and dusted he is now trying to apologise. Motherfucker! I told him that God will judge what happened between us.

I hated that she had played this particular ‘game of chance’ and the baby had lost. I prayed silently to heaven. I guess her behaviour was to be expected. But what had she really expected of Dapo?

Ehnnn? What did you say? No it wasn’t Dapo’s baby o! When he found out I was pregnant he said he would stick by me no matter what. Then, I told him it was Shola’s baby. He said lai lai!...raise Shola’s child as his own? God forbid. We broke up sha.

Shola ke? Not him!!! She knew he simply loved the fun of ‘the chase’. When had this started?

That time I told you that I let him walk me home, we didn’t really do anything even though he kept begging me to allow him. He said ‘not doing’ was making him crazy. In the end I said ok but all I allowed him to do was just enter me once and come straight out. It doesn’t count.

One thrust doesn’t count abi? C’mon even Clinton with his big cigar knows it all counts. So had they started seeing each other from that time?

It wasn’t like that now. Honestly, I tried to keep away from him after that but we jammed at a club. He knows that in a million years I would never have slept with him if I hadn’t been drunk. That is why we didn’t use a condom sha.

She circumscribed to the time & place. Then she chose to play with no personal protective equipment. I wondered if she really believed what she was saying. I had always known why she loved playing in this ‘world of make una believe’; it was one that was internally removed from everything real around her. Inside it, her hurt... her real sense of pain was dulled in ‘freaky deaky’ ecstasy. Had her husband found out what was real, he would have hurt her… correction… he would have killed her.

Evans ke? It would have been hard to hide it but thankfully that one is still doing his own rubbish jare. I wanted to keep it but he would have known it wasn’t his. I mean how can I explain to my oyinbo husband that I born black baby for am? Besides we haven’t slept together lately.

Their bedroom ‘war games’ had never surprised me. She was in her twenties but he was in his… err… later years. Surely, the fb malarkey had not been about Evans. If not, then who?

It’s Aalyya and Amaka. They have been real bitches lately. Can you imagine that they have been going around spreading my gist? My friend called me to tell me that they had been talking to her about me. Thank goodness I had already told her what had happened so she could tell that Aalyya had remixed the story. I called Aalyya and told her to leave me the hell alone. What status does she think she will gain by bringing me down? They should carry their wahala waka go jo. And Linda has been a cow too!

Who was Linda?

She is my friend now... shebi I told you about her before? I did now... na im I dey help to start new business. You can't remember? This your memory sef! Anyway, I looked at my husband’s phone and there are missed calls from Linda. He tried to hide it from me. I know she wants to fuck him. She thinks if he does he will set her up. Bitch! Why does she wants to spoil my own? In Jesus' name, nothing will ever spoil my own. Me too let me say ‘Amen’. Awww... honestly, don't worry about me. I’m fine now babes. Iheatu has been so supportive.

Who the hell was Iheatu?

Iheatu na my new boyfriend now. He is from America. He is trying to make it here as an Artiste. Before you ask, the guys hasn’t come near me like that o! I know you now...hahaha...that is why I quickly said it. I told him everything and he just wants to take care of me. He wants me to heal. Plus he doesn’t want to be my ‘bit on the side’.

I chuckled at this...I couldn't help it. Of course he didn't. I had never heard of a man that wanted to be any woman’s side dish. Unless...

I promise you, I’m not giving him anything. I mean I know he is struggling sha but he hasn’t asked me for money to help him out. Hello? Hello? Can you hear me now? I can hear you. What was I saying?...Yes, of course I'm sure. I've offered but he says he doesn't need it... he says not yet. I'm just happy that he loves me and is willing to wait until I’m ready to leave my husband. Can you imagine that cow Aisha is after him?

I thought Aisha was dating Wole Ray?

You know how e bi at Christmas now. Why didn’t you come btw?

I had crashed my car… it was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Sorry o! Anyway at Christmas there is a massive influx of new blood. Wole Ray had already enjoyed her Hausa ass so he dumped her just before. She is begging to be noticed. Please she should have some self respect and stop competing with me. Can you believe she actually turned up at the door of Iheatu’s hotel room in Abuja uninvited? He turned her groupie ass down. He loves me.

Sadly, I doubted he had turned Aisha down. I also doubted that he loved Rosetta already. I was willing to wager that his probable maxim was one of ‘maximum returns’. It was more likely that he was in love with her ‘dollar dollar bills’.

Crap…my credit has nearly finished. It has been so good to talk to you again. Bye.

Goodbye Rosetta.

I sigh and hang up, knowing that the spec that could have become a luminous pearl may instead develop as a very visible crack in a flawed diamond.

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