crossroad blues

This post is dedicated to Naapali (doc since you say you have a compass and a map…I’d really like to know where you got those from so that I may source mine too and use them to avoid the hazards of the valleys).

Anyway… back to my post…

I will start with snowflakes… these are formed from tiny super-cooled cloud droplets as they freeze. Each one is approx 10μm (i.e. 10 microns) in diameter…delicate things don’t you think?… they have a geometry that is so intricate that each one is deemed unique… much like the human soul.

I have said before that within the House of Agbada Daggers I am Flying Snow (do you like the new profile pic btw?… I think it quite appropriate!)

Well sometimes I feel like a glacier formed from snow; a slow river of compacted ice made so because the years have forced so much air out of me. If that is truly the case then I hope I am like a tidewater glacier that flows back into the sea of life. However, I am scared that when I get there a piece of me will break off in the deep water and in doing so that iceberg might cause the water to explode upwards.

I came very close to exploding this weekend when somebody close to me lied to me. They looked into my eyes, then called God’s name and lied.

The lie could not hurt me but my heart bled for the one that he would keep hurting; as well as for the others that he would keep trying to hurt. That I cannot abide. To say my soul is not troubled about this… about what I am capable of doing to stop this… is untrue.

This weekend I realised that I was at a metaphorically juncture in my life because both the physical and abstract met. I saw the devil in his eyes and he offered me a deal but I refused to trade in my soul or theirs. He told me that he would release the pain I have carried for too long so that Flying Snow would not become as cold and hard as ice.

Good Shepherd with you there is no pain… whatever there is here in this life… is not everlasting… that comes after.

So knowing this to be true, how could I suddenly accept a deal with the devil to become the King of the Delta Blues?… I could not. I did not. I will not. What did I do?… I simply chose to sing my ordinary version of the crossroad blues. For now, that is the small thing that I can do to ward him off; in doing so I have committed my worries and fears to God.

So here I am… at an intersection of roads…is there a better way to say that?… hmmm… I think there is… I am at a crossroad in life and I want to continue and embark on my own path. In doing so I feel like I am betraying another because I know I must leave the old behind. Only then can I return to it; only then can I understand more about the beauty of ages.

Good Shepherd I am looking to you (as I have always have) to guide me on this path.

Besides… you know I hate the idea of a satellite navigation systems simply because someone once told me that ‘women can’t read maps’… I will not be beaten by that statement… yes, I admit that I have gotten lost plenty of times; within cities, en route to cities, en route in life. Mostly because I have not trusted myself. This lack of self belief somtimes causes me to take a left or right turn much too early when I should have just continued forward. Goodness me, I even remember my delight at actually being able to drive on my own only to find out that I had missed my exit at a roundabout and was already halfway to Liverpool instead of Manchester.

Good Shepherd I want you to know that I will not stop trying to master how to read that map.

I will continue trying to drive through life without the devil on my shoulder, whispering where to go to me or telling me when to change gears … so what if I failed my driving test two times before… I passed it the third time. So what if I crashed the company hire car into the car park gates as I tried to reverse out… I believe that that is what car insurance is for.

My soul is insured through you. I smile now as I remember crying late that night when I was driving. I had followed diversion upon diversion not really knowing where they were taking me. I had been on the road for nearly 8 hours. It was close to midnight. I was tired and lost…very certain I would drive into a ditch cloaked in darkness. I calmed myself down and prayed. I decided to risk it and take the next turning and suddenly I stumbled upon a hotel. They had no spare room but the lady at the desk called another hotel about 5 miles away and organised a room for me. There is where I laid my head to sleep that night. It was a peaceful sleep for I knew that:

‘... thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me...’ Psalm 23

I will continue my best on this path… Yes I know I drive a little too fast for your liking at times… darn, I even admit to taking part in those unofficial races on the motorway. Er… I guess I am also a little too impatient at other times… I have used the inside lane to undertake in the past and you've seen me overtake those slow moving tractors on narrow country lanes… and perhaps once or twice I have very stupidly tried to out manoeuvre another on a blind summit.

Good Shepherd thank you for always being there with me and stopping me from endangering others and myself.

I have discovered that it is important to pace myself… the key is to learn from my mistakes and grow into that which I know myself to be … as a result I am a better driver… my map reading is coming along too :-)

Good Shepherd I choose you. Always.

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sex, lies &...2. games

I knew she liked ‘the game’. In particular, Rosetta liked strategising about how best to play ‘the game’ with whomever she chose to play it with. As it was her only real mental stimulation, she played for maximum physical satisfaction.

At first I ignored them. Then the status updates on fb went from being just puzzling to slightly melodramatic. Finally they became very worrying. After 3 weeks, it had not stopped so I checked her wall. Some of her 600+ friends had already asked after her well being but few of these were our mutual friends. With a sense of perplexity, I sent her a text to check her sanity. She called me back.

Babes I have so missed you. All these yeye friends here just dey like to knife person for back.

Was that what the cryptic fb messages had been about?

Yes. I have been to hell and back. I was in so much pain but God is great. He delivered me after I went through so much. Do you know I was pregnant? What am I saying?... seriously, I was o! It happened recently. The baby’s father acted like an asshole sha. At first when I told him, he didn’t know what to do or say. Then he started behaving like a childish fool and he kept messing up. He even stopped taking my calls. Now that it is all done and dusted he is now trying to apologise. Motherfucker! I told him that God will judge what happened between us.

I hated that she had played this particular ‘game of chance’ and the baby had lost. I prayed silently to heaven. I guess her behaviour was to be expected. But what had she really expected of Dapo?

Ehnnn? What did you say? No it wasn’t Dapo’s baby o! When he found out I was pregnant he said he would stick by me no matter what. Then, I told him it was Shola’s baby. He said lai lai!...raise Shola’s child as his own? God forbid. We broke up sha.

Shola ke? Not him!!! She knew he simply loved the fun of ‘the chase’. When had this started?

That time I told you that I let him walk me home, we didn’t really do anything even though he kept begging me to allow him. He said ‘not doing’ was making him crazy. In the end I said ok but all I allowed him to do was just enter me once and come straight out. It doesn’t count.

One thrust doesn’t count abi? C’mon even Clinton with his big cigar knows it all counts. So had they started seeing each other from that time?

It wasn’t like that now. Honestly, I tried to keep away from him after that but we jammed at a club. He knows that in a million years I would never have slept with him if I hadn’t been drunk. That is why we didn’t use a condom sha.

She circumscribed to the time & place. Then she chose to play with no personal protective equipment. I wondered if she really believed what she was saying. I had always known why she loved playing in this ‘world of make una believe’; it was one that was internally removed from everything real around her. Inside it, her hurt... her real sense of pain was dulled in ‘freaky deaky’ ecstasy. Had her husband found out what was real, he would have hurt her… correction… he would have killed her.

Evans ke? It would have been hard to hide it but thankfully that one is still doing his own rubbish jare. I wanted to keep it but he would have known it wasn’t his. I mean how can I explain to my oyinbo husband that I born black baby for am? Besides we haven’t slept together lately.

Their bedroom ‘war games’ had never surprised me. She was in her twenties but he was in his… err… later years. Surely, the fb malarkey had not been about Evans. If not, then who?

It’s Aalyya and Amaka. They have been real bitches lately. Can you imagine that they have been going around spreading my gist? My friend called me to tell me that they had been talking to her about me. Thank goodness I had already told her what had happened so she could tell that Aalyya had remixed the story. I called Aalyya and told her to leave me the hell alone. What status does she think she will gain by bringing me down? They should carry their wahala waka go jo. And Linda has been a cow too!

Who was Linda?

She is my friend now... shebi I told you about her before? I did now... na im I dey help to start new business. You can't remember? This your memory sef! Anyway, I looked at my husband’s phone and there are missed calls from Linda. He tried to hide it from me. I know she wants to fuck him. She thinks if he does he will set her up. Bitch! Why does she wants to spoil my own? In Jesus' name, nothing will ever spoil my own. Me too let me say ‘Amen’. Awww... honestly, don't worry about me. I’m fine now babes. Iheatu has been so supportive.

Who the hell was Iheatu?

Iheatu na my new boyfriend now. He is from America. He is trying to make it here as an Artiste. Before you ask, the guys hasn’t come near me like that o! I know you now...hahaha...that is why I quickly said it. I told him everything and he just wants to take care of me. He wants me to heal. Plus he doesn’t want to be my ‘bit on the side’.

I chuckled at this...I couldn't help it. Of course he didn't. I had never heard of a man that wanted to be any woman’s side dish. Unless...

I promise you, I’m not giving him anything. I mean I know he is struggling sha but he hasn’t asked me for money to help him out. Hello? Hello? Can you hear me now? I can hear you. What was I saying?...Yes, of course I'm sure. I've offered but he says he doesn't need it... he says not yet. I'm just happy that he loves me and is willing to wait until I’m ready to leave my husband. Can you imagine that cow Aisha is after him?

I thought Aisha was dating Wole Ray?

You know how e bi at Christmas now. Why didn’t you come btw?

I had crashed my car… it was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Sorry o! Anyway at Christmas there is a massive influx of new blood. Wole Ray had already enjoyed her Hausa ass so he dumped her just before. She is begging to be noticed. Please she should have some self respect and stop competing with me. Can you believe she actually turned up at the door of Iheatu’s hotel room in Abuja uninvited? He turned her groupie ass down. He loves me.

Sadly, I doubted he had turned Aisha down. I also doubted that he loved Rosetta already. I was willing to wager that his probable maxim was one of ‘maximum returns’. It was more likely that he was in love with her ‘dollar dollar bills’.

Crap…my credit has nearly finished. It has been so good to talk to you again. Bye.

Goodbye Rosetta.

I sigh and hang up, knowing that the spec that could have become a luminous pearl may instead develop as a very visible crack in a flawed diamond.

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