Saturday, 6 February 2010

ghost in the shell

‘Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.’

Psalm 139: 23-24

Yet, I stay here still. I should leave... just walk away... but as I'm unsure of myself, my soul remains bound to its shell; confined. Am I only free to expand myself within boundaries that have been created? In truth all things change so perhaps it is my efforts to stay the same that have limited me. Perhaps that is why a love that I had craved so much was simply unable to break down my walls and complete me.

Sometimes I wished I had not dreamed this dream so hard... perhaps then I would not have felt so lost when Reverie became reality. Till today, I have no idea why I stood silent, like a dumb mute, with no answers to his gestures. My ghost whispers contemptuously ‘ghost-hacked humans are so pathetic, it's a shame’. I can only sigh in agreement as I tell out my soul.

All I want to do now is pretend it was just a simulated experience. False, like a dream. Yet it happened. My fantasy was real. My ghost whispers sadly ‘we weep for the blood of a bird, but not for the blood of a fish. Blessed are those with a voice’. I cannot weep because I do not know how I lost mine, yet I bleed.

I dare not dream anymore. My voice is gone. My actions seem to echo those of a coward. But I tried. I swear I tried... so much so that even distance could not come between us. My ghost whispers mockingly ‘no matter how far a jackass travels, it will never return a horse’. My thoughts shift suddenly to Italy. Alone in Milan with the lure of speed as my only friend. Life raced by me that September weekend but somehow it failed to take my hopes with it.

Just a whisper. I hear it in my ghost.
Reverie.

Today, again, he is close by. However, today is the first time in a long time, that I have chosen not to reach out. I do so, not to punish him but myself; should he not notice. Perhaps this will finally prove to me that when he looks at me, he sees in me only golem; an absence of form yet to be shaped from mud. Yet do I not already know this to be untrue? Simply because he helped fix my fragmented form. He stopped my heart's demise and then reconstructed my being using the clays of hope on the river banks of my tears. Happily, I morphed. I became the child of a dream. I laugh as I look up to the heavens, not in wonderment but with a certainty that ‘life perpetuates itself through diversity and this includes the ability to sacrifice itself when necessary’. Yet when I look within, inside my Section 9, I have no idea of how to cope with a such a loss. Major.

Just a whisper. I hear it in my ghost.
Aemaeth.

Perhaps I am the unknown puppet master that has been pulling my own strings; forcing myself to remember… how he pulled me close… his kiss… the times he made love to me. What of my feelings for the future?... were they just mere trick modes? This thought alone cuts me; causing a solitary sob to escape from me mid-flight. I begin to plummet into a cloud of despair. I am bleeding more now but still I choose to go... to forget. I fear that when next I hear him call my name my heart will soar again with childish joy and instinctively, I will turn and run back... I always have. Sometimes I wish my heart would turn to stone instead of being set alight by the blaze of his warmth. I look to the mirror; searching for my truth. My ghost whispers scornfully ‘when one’s face is distorted why you should blame the mirror? The mirror doesn’t help to enlighten but rather to confuse’. So I stop staring at myself and I rub my forehead; robbing it of truth.

Just a whisper. I hear it in my ghost.
Maeth.

Looking back, I realise that the universe conspired to keep us apart. What could be… cannot. The dream must die, for I choose to live. I finally understand. I hug my ghost as it whispers reassuringly ‘life and death come and go like marionettes dancing on a table. Once their strings are cut, they easily crumble’.

Good Shepherd, I know not of tomorrow so just for tonight all I dare ask is ‘let one walk alone, committing no sin, with few wishes, like elephants in the forest’. Please.

32 comments:

Jaycee 7 February 2010 05:03  

A mixture of deep emotions.

Did not stop reading until the very end...hmm.

bArOquE 7 February 2010 21:58  

...some deep stuvvz madame...

rethots 8 February 2010 07:46  

Hmmm...... wordless, thotful.

N.I.M.M.O 8 February 2010 10:47  

".. Good Shepherd, I know not of tomorrow so just for tonight all I dare ask is ‘let one walk alone, committing no sin, with few wishes, like elephants in the forest’. Please..."

Que sera, sera.

~Sirius~ 8 February 2010 14:42  

ok...totally lost......but this is sure deep.

Shubby Doo 8 February 2010 21:53  

@sirius – lost eh?… ok

1stly… a very quick bible lesson… ‘Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed…’ (psalm 139:16)

2ndly… an ‘unshaped form’ in Yiddish means golem. A golem is also known as a being formed from clay. In modern Hebrew the word golem literally means ‘rock’, but it can also mean ‘fool’, ‘dumb’ or even ‘stupid’

Lastly… let me tell you a story based on legend (as Jacob Grimm tells it)… the Polish Jews make a clay or lime figure called a golem. This can only be done by those deemed to be holy (like rabbis). This is because their pursuit of God’s wisdom and thus God's truth gives them the ability to create but they can only make beings that are a mere shadow of God’s creation i.e. human beings. Anyway, on the golem’s forehead is written the word AEMAETH (meaning ‘truth’) so that it can draw energy from this word and come to life. These beings can understand what one commands but cannot speak so they are usually conjured to be a protector or a servant. However, all golems increase in size everyday; becoming larger and stronger. So before they can grow too big to overpower everyone, the first letters are rubbed out so that what remains is the word MAETH (meaning ‘death’), whereupon the golem sinks and becomes mere clay again.

@NIMMO – I know

@jaycee, baroque & rethots – Indeed

Myne Whitman 9 February 2010 06:50  

Had to go back and re read after the comment. Makes more sense now.

Jinta 11 February 2010 16:38  

religion or relationship?

SOLOMONSYDELLE 18 February 2010 12:53  

very deep, sis. Hoping all is well, nonetheless.

Original Mgbeke 19 February 2010 18:17  

Very very deep. I enjoyed reading this, regardless.

Rose 22 February 2010 15:44  

I'm blown away...

"The dream must die"...

Just to a memory dear, just to a memory.

"Life and death come and go like marionettes dancing on a table."

Thus we must dance as hard as we can...and relish much later the exhilaration it brought...and forge ahead..

Hope you're good??

aeedeeaee 23 February 2010 18:55  

fraught with meaning...tryna decipher...

aeedeeaee 23 February 2010 18:57  

fraught with meaning...tryna decipher..

NigerianDramaQueen 25 February 2010 00:33  

Wow, great to know you're still here, still the same witty you. I miss reading you.

doll 25 February 2010 07:41  

am with Jinta on this..is this about religion or relationship? hope you are good tho?

Uzezi 27 February 2010 21:23  

i like the scripture at the beginning. I stopped reading the post cos its really night and Im sleepy and there r too many ghosts i dont want to dream about.
I go read this another time.
How u doing?

Don 1 March 2010 20:14  

You are an awesome writer. I really felt your every sentiment. So vivid and clear. I look forward to reading more of you in the future.

Enjoyed the read.

Deep.

Angel 7 March 2010 20:03  

Gosh when I first hit your page I wasnt expecting this, very thought provoking words...wow!

tobenna 11 March 2010 06:07  

Ok Shubby Doo, Good Shepherd, Princess, Flying Snow.
Who are you really?
Aemaeth

Afrobabe 17 March 2010 21:38  

Each time I think of writing a career..coming here makes me realise how far I have to go!!

Tisha 31 March 2010 21:10  

i understand

let God...

Shola 30 April 2010 19:00  

psalm 139! i love it!

Jaycee 7 May 2010 16:01  

I miss your writing.

doug 28 May 2010 04:22  

Oh boy, I missed getting ABSOLUTELY lost in the maze of your complicated posts. Lol. Where are you Shub? I'm back...you better get yourself back here NOW!

AlooFar 23 July 2010 18:09  

oya, update. i'm hungry.

The Corner Shop 11 March 2011 17:54  

Lol Myne. Yeah, it made more sense after the comment. This is really deep! I love this line: 'Good Shepherd, I know not of tomorrow so just for tonight all I dare ask is ‘let one walk alone, committing no sin, with few wishes, like elephants in the forest’. Please.'

Adiya
http://thecornershopng.blogspot.com

justsoyouknow 23 March 2012 03:51  

I can't help to feel guilty reading that Bible verse because i am fully aware of my shortcomings. But the last part makes me hopeful to start over again.

hip lawyer

thedivainme 2 April 2012 10:55  

A prayer for all who seeks the Lord's guidance.



Bvlgari Perfume

stephen steadman 17 February 2014 14:37  

That's a lot of quotes from ghost in the shell! If none of you guys have seen those movies you should, they are the majority (lol "major" see what I did there? (the author will as they definitely have watched ghost in the shell and the following movie and series)) source of the depth you all keep referring to in this post above (and yes some bible references) and they're pieces of art in their own rights.

stephen steadman 17 February 2014 14:44  

That's a lot of quotes from ghost in the shell! If none of you guys have seen those movies you should, they are the majority (lol "major" see what I did there? (the author will as they definitely have watched ghost in the shell and the following movie and series)) source of the depth you all keep referring to in this post above (and yes some bible references) and they're pieces of art in their own rights.

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