Sunday, 29 June 2008

sex, lies &...1. blueberries

Did you know that blueberries are false berries?...apparently these types of fruits are found in plant species with an inferior ovary. However, true berries such as gooseberries, have an edible pulp.

I have met many people in life that want me to ingest their modified pepoes... or their falsehood... and like it. They think by packaging their inferiorities as something sweet, bright and juicy I will not recognise what they have tried to force down my throat. I think it is a shame that they fail to understand that had they given me the choice I might have enjoyed the simple truth better.

In my second year at university, I moved out of halls and started living with three other girls; Chixster was igbo but the rest of us were yoruba.

Let me start with introductions.

1stly, there was Bubbles. She was the youngest. Bubbles was just really sweet.

2ndly, there was Owambe. She was only months younger than me. I have to applaud Owambe…she went from a british size 20 to a size 12 (american size 8) over a period of four years…a mean feat. But her years of being ‘heavy’ meant she had issues…no, she wasn’t some sort of evil…no, she wasn’t inhumanly wicked or cruel…she just desperately wanted to feel among.

I loved the fact that Owambe tried to follow the latest trends and rock the latest designer gear but sadly she didn’t have the persona to carry off loud and quirky colours…nor did she put her outfits together well. Ladies one should know one’s own frame and by a certain age one should know how best to work with that frame to look good. Sadly, Owambe did not dress to maximise her new found frame…the girl was constantly adjusting her clothes that were too tight or pulling down her skirts that were too way short in public. I tried to give her some helpful suggestions but she made it clear that it wasn’t needed. I thought ‘nothing spoil’...not for me

I found that Owambe was always looking to be the centre of attention…her advice was instructional…her ideas were best…she wanted to rule the roost. I don’t do ‘you are the boss of me’ well so when she started that nonsense I was like ‘abeg get out’. I guess it didn’t help her complex that Bubbles, Chixster and I refused to let her ego rise with us…anything she wanted to show off about was something or somewhere that Bubbles, Chixster or I could say ‘been there, done that and got the t-shirt’ to.

Anyway back to the intros…

Lastly, there was Chixster. She was the slimmest, the prettiest and the kindest…she was genuinely kind. Chixster was constantly worrying about everybody... as our mother hen, to some extent she looked after us. I got on with Chixtser the most because she seemed like a ‘straight shooting’ and ‘to the point’ kinda gal. She was slightly older than me by about two years but she knew how to have fun.

As girls do, we often gathered in Chixster’s room at night to gist. Sometimes we would stay there all night and leave just before the arrival of the morning rays of amber. On one late starry starry night, the topic turned to sex.

Chixster: What do you think about sex?

I decided to take a philosophical approach and said:

Shubby Doo: It is necessary. It can result in life. Creation of life is God’s gift. I think it is amazing that it is a very small way for human beings to really get to actually resemble their creator.

Owambe chose the more common Christian approach and followed with:

Owambe: As a born again, I don’t believe in sex before marriage. I think people should only have the sex after.

Bubbles: Me too I guess. It is not really right.

Eh? I looked from one to the other… I felt like I was in the twilight zone and in this alternate universe standard naija babes were trying to sell me tory! … na lie! I didn’t start the conversation…plus my initial answer hadn’t turned it in this particular direction…but now we where here, I just couldn’t help thinking ‘bloody pretenders!’.

I laughed.

Shubby Doo: Really…you do? hmmm…I guess I was brought up to believe that too but in reality I don’t think it is that simple.

Owambe: It is. Abstinence is not impossible.

Shubby Doo: I agree. It is not impossible. But when two people are together in the heat of the moment it is not easy not to give in to it...especially when those two people think they are in love...or are you saying that you haven’t had sex ever Owambe?


Shubby Doo: you nko, Bubbles?

I knew Bubbles she was no saint. My brother had a big problem with us living together because she had been with more than a few naija guys at his university. Bubbles was ‘one of the regulars’. As he tended to live by the rule ‘each to their own’ he’d never been interested in judging her behaviour. He was trying to support my decision to live with whomever I chose but he had issues with us flat sharing...basically because when ‘awon boys’ came visiting to knack Bubbles and he didn’t want anybody implying that it was his little sister that had entertained.

I assured my brother that there was no problem because:

1. I had just come out of a long relationship that had been pretty serious. I wasn't looking to play the rebound game.

2. I said that I'd be ok...I knew how to handle such guys if they did turn up at ours...I'd use the steely resolve that I inherited from my he had prepared me well as only an older brother could.

3. Bubbles was now in a committed relationship with Ayo (whom she did eventually marry) so I doubted she would be soliciting illicit visits.

I never mentioned my brother’s concerns to Bubbles because as long as she didn’t make it a problem for me, there was no problem.

But now Bubbles was claiming that sex was only suited for marriage.... hmmm...

Shubby Doo: Bubbles you no dey talk…abi wetin?

Bubbles: I think it is better in marriage.

Shubby Doo: I agree with you whole heartedly but are you saying that you haven’t had sex?

Chixster: I think sex should be with someone you love. Ideally, that commitment comes in marriage.

Bubbles: I agree with Chixster.

I was thinking to myself ‘chai!...these girls just dey dodge my question’…when I heard:

Owambe: As strong Christians, Segs and I have promised ourselves that we will only have sex when we are married. I say no to sex.

I thought ‘Owambe shut up!’. The babe was lying.

Don’t get me wrong…I understand that everybody lies…but if you cannot lie well, my advice is keep it simple or better yet keep quiet & don’t try. If you want to lie to me put some work into it…your story must be robust and your actions must support your story. Not just on the day you spin your tale but forever…I must never be able to pick holes in it…and before you start, you should remember that in time the truth tends to prevail.

In my humble opinion, Owambe’s actions did not support her words. Her room was next to mine so whenever her boyfriend Segs came to spend the weekend, the following would always happen.

12:00am: Owambe and Segs say goodnight.
They enter her room and close the door.

12:10am: I hear her bed springs squeaking…

I would laugh. This was like the tonal work of the string section of the orchestra playing the signified the 1st movement of the great symphony to come….

12:15am: Owambe starts giggling.
From time to time Segs laughs loudly.

12:20am: I hear someone lock the door to Owambe’s room with a key.

12:25am: I hear soft moans…
Followed by faint promises of sweet nothings…
Then I hear groans...

I would laugh to myself again. This had to be the ternary movement of the symphony…but why had they re-arranged the order of this classic orchestra piece?… why had they skipped from the 1st movement to the 3rd movement and missed the slow movement?…

12:30am: I hear very, very, VERY loud music blasting out of Owambe’s room.

I have a fertile imagination… so to be fair I am now taking this opportunity to ask all the people reading this…what you think happened in that room next?

Just to help you make up your minds I’ll just say that I also remember that loud music from Owambe’s deck used to wake me up on Saturday mornings too but only if her boo was there with her.

I now realised these babes were true impressionists…they were trying to paint a work of art...they were using movement as the crucial element to distract me so that I wouldn’t focus on ‘the truth’…so I would simply believe what they portrayed as truth. I guess if people don’t see the real you from the obvious visual angles they may just catch a glimpse of a distorted that seems amazing or remarkably refreshing. Well it wasn't working with me...their words just annoyed and irritated me…my mama no born mumu

I smiled.

Shubby Doo: I think that is so sweet Owambe…to know that all you and Segs do is kiss and cuddle all night… on that small single bed…to loud music that starts at midnight and is on for at least 45 mins…That is love o!

Bubbles laughed out loud.

Shubby Doo: Bubbles I guess that is what you and Ayo do too abi? That is so sweet.

Bubbles: Ok. Let me fess us…surprise, surprise…I’ve had sex.

I was not surprised but I was happy that she had come clean…eventually.

Shubby Doo: Thank you for your honesty. Oya come and sit next to me as we are the only two sinners in this house. We have confessed our sins to God today again in the presence of Owambe and Chixster. Don’t worry confession is part of the Christian faith and practice. All will be well.

Chixster: I guess there is nothing wrong with having sex if you are in love and you are committed to each other…it does not have to be in wedlock despite what naija society tends to dictate but it is preferable.

Shubby Doo: I agree.

I was still wondering why Chixster had chosen to use those particular words...she still had not revealed...when I heard:

Owambe: Segs and I have made love...but we have decided to abstain now until we get married.

Made love ke?…you mean fucked each others brains out while you deafened me! Whatever sha…a confession is still a confession and I am not an enemy of any type of progress that results in the truth. In my mind it was not the whole truth because she was still claiming she wasn't ‘at it’ anymore...but I was happy that she could no longer look me in the eye and start her ‘hypocritical’ crap. The really sad thing is I don’t think she was ever really ‘trying’ to be even be living embodiment of her words…for her it was always about keeping up appearances and trying to say the right things so people could like her and listen to her.

Chixster stayed silent…then she excused herself and she left her own room to make a phone call on her mobile phone…

About 18 months later, Chixster started dating my brother (not the one that had had the problem with Bubbles)…their relationship lasted about 6 months…they were happy-ish but they knew it wouldn’t work when she decided to move to another country so they called it quits.

After they broke up he told me, he was not her first…she was experienced…from way back. I said nothing because I wasn’t shocked by it but his words somehow made me feel let down by her...there had been no need for the illusion. I guess some people simply choose not to share...I do understand that.

I have thought about this some more since then and after all these years I have realised something... as sung by Don McLean in Vincent’, I just want to say that by starting the conversation and by walking out of your room, Chixster “…now I understand what you tried to say to me...”

My brother ended the conversation with a simple admission…Chixster was a bit of a ‘sex fiend’.

Nuff said!


Afrobabe 29 June 2008 at 21:09  

dannnng, cant imagine having that kind of conversation with my brother...

nigerians have a way of denying sex...

rethots 30 June 2008 at 10:20  

Shubby Doo (permit me) you don craze, "…but why had they re-arranged the order of this classic orchestra piece?… why did they skip from the 1st movement to the 3rd movement and missed the slow movement?…" Beautiful analysis though.

Unfortunately, lies don't last. Funny enough, 'tis not always the conscious things people do that reveals their lies....but, their unconscious act. Worst however, is the person that speaks without depth. Talked to someone like that before?

Word!!! should never start a story one cannot end.

Shubby Doo 30 June 2008 at 11:52  

@afrobabe – true talk
I am the only girl…my brothers were bad boys so they opened my eyes to these things early…kinda glad of the brute honesty we share…it has kept me from making some stupid mistakes because of blind love.

@ rethots – ehenn?…craze ke?! no way are you permitted …lol
my analysis was the only way to hold on to my sanity…that music nearly drove me to the edge of hysteria.

Enigma 30 June 2008 at 13:01  

"Made love ke?…you mean fucked each others brains out while you deafened me!" LMAO!!

I dont understand what will make a woman lie that 'she' hasnt done it before.. when she's pro, how in the world would u ever pass that off?!!!

afro: my girlfriend shares almost every detail with her bro...imagine my shock when i found out!! had to pick my jaw from the floor!

Atutupoyoyo 30 June 2008 at 16:51  

"his was like the tonal work of the string section of the orchestra playing the signified the 1st movement of the great symphony to come" This was a beautiful analogy.

It takes a whole lot of experience for a woman to pretend to be a virgin. I will leave it at that.

SOLOMONSYDELLE 30 June 2008 at 20:52  

lol! I like how you called those girls out. Too funny.

How you dey? Thanks for leaving a comment on the betrayal/duped post. Much appreciated!

Shubby Doo 1 July 2008 at 10:32  

@enigma: haba… 'pro' is a bit strong… despite my brothers' words, none of these girls were doing this to make a living… but I do get what you mean… I guess the ruse is all about perception… I get that people don't want everybody talking about their business… or applying labels but like Shakespeare says ‘truth will out’… my advice is either keep quiet or adopt the perception principle…but just don’t lie stupidly.

@atutupoyoyo: thank you. I had to do something to distract myself from the noise. Trying to see the funny side helped a lot… but not always… one morning I came charging out of my room ready for a fight…luckily Chixster (bless her) saw me 1st and calmed me down…

re: the pretence - really it was their business what they got up to and with whom…I just don’t like people talking 'at me' with superior attitudes… my own is simple… don’t try & make me feel like some sort of ‘dundee united’ because I will turn & face you and I won’t stop until I’m done…

@sista solly: I dey o! how are you and the fam? Hope all is well.

haba… how can you be thanking me?…thank you. your blog was one I came to know quickly when I stalked the streets of blogville…I love your insight…I love your reasoning…I love that you back what you say with real facts and not just conjecture…it was one of reasons I decided to take up residence here.

Chari 1 July 2008 at 12:16  

*stands to clap*

impressive work here...

on to teh post...Kai...I so hate it when peeps "form" and evetually breeze blows open the fowls yansh

Allied 1 July 2008 at 16:43  


Being a virgin does not make you good girl or a non virgin equals a bad girl. I don’t know why people make that correlation.

That was Chixster's problem. She thinks she will diminish her worth by telling the truth.

But you know nowadays, even if a Virgin say she is one - her friends will think she is a pretender. There are virgins out there. I am talking about the 24-30age range and these ladies have boyfriends.

It is not impossible.

Shubby Doo 2 July 2008 at 08:54  

@Charizard - Thanks. How is 'atonement' so far? your Ipod nko? don fix am? mind them yeye people at civic centre...needs must!

@Allied – Bravo dearie. Well said.

Flourishing Florida 2 July 2008 at 10:44  

with chixster being igbo, am not surprised. it's our way. i believe we r d most pretentious tribe (wen it comes 2 sex). other tribes acknowledge it, but nah nah, we insist it's not n existence until after marriage. in a way, it's good. as in, u don't find chicks boosting abt doing A, B & C openly unless with her tightest friends. yet, a little honesty is called 4. i have such igbo friends, it irritates me. am pretty dat me with my loud mouth, i may b still b wet around d ear compared 2 dem. but someone will look @ me & b like 'rotten girl' & den 'good girls'.

as 4 ur brother, am pissed with him. he did things with his galfriend, did he need 2 share it wit his little sister? 2 d extent of dubbing d girl a sex fiend! abeg! tell him dat i said he should remove d log of wood n his eyes first b4 trying 2 take out d speck n another! *i don vex*

Flourishing Florida 2 July 2008 at 10:49  

@ allied: u r so right. i have a friend, she is a virgin (as in she's not been penetrated), but she's done every other thing (minus anal sha, or so she says). she clubs. she drinks. she wears revealing, short clothes. still she's a virgin! she's not a bad girl o. but n d limited knowledge of most pple, she's not a good girl either

Shubby Doo 2 July 2008 at 16:11  

@free flowing florida – when I saw ‘minus anal, or so she says’, I collapsed laughing at work!… not surprised it's taboo… nywayz… good 4 her but labels will always be applied…

so igbo girls are secretive by nature with their friends…hmmm…

re: my bro – abeg no vex o!…jo… the sex fiend was more of a throw away comment in response to my naivety…he was like shubby doo shine your eyes…our sharing doesn’t involve intimate details…thank goodness. I’ll just say that he did liked her a lot much so that he brought her home to meet our yoruba mother!

Jay 3 July 2008 at 22:10  

Liked your narration...very funny.

Its funny..don't know why all the
girls were playing holier than holy, can only relate it to being young...we want to hide everything them!!!

That lol. Its the quiet one's you have to look out for.

ShadeCrown 4 July 2008 at 10:28  

Owambe is a trip.
i wonder why ppl especially those we call 'friends' lie about that kinda ish.

UndaCovaSista 4 July 2008 at 11:52  

To be honest, my first reaction when reading this was - why does it matter so much? I.e. Whilst i dont condone hypocrisy, if people chose to be less than forthright about their sexual history, that's up to them surely.
Then i read one of your responses to a comment about them lying and also adopting a superior attitude towards you for choosing to be honest, and then i got it...

PS - I've delivered on Karnak and grinding granny :)

Shubby Doo 4 July 2008 at 15:18  

@UCS - I don’t really care about sexual histories… I have no interest if you boast or hide it… if u say you've only slept with either just 1 person or 100 people then I’ll sit up … IMO anything between those milestones is irrelevant

The story is really about Chixster… she might not have talked… her choice 2 withold a truth about herself (plus it was something that wouldn't hurt me) but she didn’t lie about it. What I’m just trying to say is ‘knowing now’ hasn’t changed my opinion of her because of that. To this day I have all the time in the world for her when she turns up in my life…

In contrast there are people like Owambe…pls who beg am for false truth?

ok… just been to yours

@jarrai - thanks

@sha – abi o?!

O'Dee 4 July 2008 at 18:16  

I guess some people will rather not talk about sex.

U & your brother have a really good r'ship.

BlogVille Idol 7 July 2008 at 04:30  


K.C. 7 July 2008 at 06:00  

Oh these days of talking about such things... Having been married for so many years, the days of talking about such things are long gone... But, they were there, yes they were... I got a small taste of it tonight here in this post... Kayce

Naapali 9 July 2008 at 01:49  

We Naija are a people that do not talk and when we do truth is hardly spoken.

I liked your musical allusions.

Shubby Doo 9 July 2008 at 11:25  

@Naapali – thank you. The very last one is to do with my love of impressionism… Don McLean’s song is a tribute to one of Vincent Van Gogh’s great works of art; painted while he was in an asylum… a rare instance of something beautiful borne from one's eternal struggle with 'the insanity' within …

@KC - lol… it was so very long ago… hmmm… almost seems like a rite of passage doesn’t it?

@Oluwadee - thanks… we do

flawsandall 18 July 2008 at 01:40  

why your friends they lie
quite frankly I dont see why people make a big deal out of the sex thing..I guess because of the labels that come with it;If you had sex, your a bad girl, and if you didnt your a saint..

well, I am far from a saint, and I have often crossed sexual moral boundaries..but not had sex in actual..oh well..honestly I like to keep such informations to myself (well except on my blog)..because of the tendency for people to doubt me or feel as i I am trying to make myself "purer" than them and that is far from the truth..

Buttercup 19 July 2008 at 02:25  

wow..i ddnt knw that fact bout blueberries..

lol @ ur friends actin innocent initially n being caught out in the end.....i gats to admit, i was ashamed to admit it wen i 1st had sex(my older sis said she cud tell tho, i wonder how, its nt like i used to walk wit my legs as wide apart as from lagos to ibadan) yea, i never acted hypocrytical, i just chose to remain

NaijaScorpio 21 July 2008 at 14:24  

"Made love ke?…you mean fucked each others brains out while you deafened me!"

I wan die for laugh!!!

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