Monday, 23 March 2009

inglorious basterds

This is the story of my encounter with the ‘Inglorious Basterds’… no I haven’t spelt it incorrectly but should I choose later to follow the original mantra forged by Enzo Castellari, I will change the title of this post to ‘quel maledetto treno blindato’. For now I have simply chosen to phrase it as Quentin Tarantino has =)

Anyway... as I was saying... I’ve always done my best to avoid ‘quel maledetto treno blindato’ but as I surfed the internet, trying to figure out the hoops I needed to jump through to get a new naija passport, I realised that I needed to ride ‘that damned armoured train’ to get it...

Mind you, McAfee warned me sha... it warned me well well that the site was not recommended for my computer... ‘harmful’ it said... McAfee even posted a big red cross on the pop up screen as it begged me not to proceed onwards towards the voyage of damned’.

But I needed a new naija passport... so I decided to scoff out loud as I thought to myself ‘these oyinbos don come again… norring do me jare’

I mean I’m very used to hearing such aspersions against Nigeria… but this was aimed against an official system operating in the UK… it felt at least over exaggerated if not untrue...

Suddenly McAfee’s advice felt similar to that of the Foreign and Commonwealths Office’s (FCO’s) current travel advice on my beloved country in sub-saharan Africa ‘…we advise against all travel to the Niger Delta States of Bayelsa, Delta and Rivers (including Port Harcourt)’.

Hahahaha... shebi Baroque still dey Port Harcourt kampe... shebi all dis time dem neva kidnap am for ransom... so wetin be dis one again?

So as I am sat there at my computer, I basically start to ponder on the variety of infractions working against the reputation of my beloved naija... I also started to try to figure out wherein lay the real threat.

I reasoned that as an official nigerian website in foreign territory, it would be well fortified and definitely trustworthy… I mean why would the webpage for the Nigerian High Commission in London use the same stratagem that allowed the Greeks to finally enter the city of Troy during the Trojan War against me?… I was one of its own… I wasn’t fighting against them…

On the flip side, I also reasoned that McAfee had never been wrong… but what choice did I have? I needed a new passport as I planned to be in Lagos for Easter…

So I clicked to proceed and entered the website… soon after which, I quickly recognised the ‘bastardi senza gloria’

They were the ones that used computer code with military precision to try and target my precious hardware… they were the ones that arrived with malware hidden inside NOT ONE BUT FOUR Trojan Horses that were hurled at the gates of my firewall as soon as I opened the webpage.

Please o!... help me beg... why?!

Why would the NHC want to have unauthorized access to my machine to save their files? Why would the NHC want to control my computer or view my screen?

While I sat there stunned in utter disbelief, McAfee wasted no time in disposing of all four Trojans.

So for now, my Troy still stands proud.

You’d think I’d have shut it down and left straight away right?


I figured that since I was there (and seemingly able to withstand the attacks) I might as well carry on with my reconnaissance mission and find out about payment too… I find what I'm looking for... but not utterly sure that I fully understand what I'm seeing, I click on the link for the application process and get re-directed to the Nigerian Immigration Service... fees on the NIS website are listed as 8,750 NGN with InterSwitch payments or 110 USD with Google payments

My head wanted to scatter as it reworked the nonsensical numbers again and again… in the end all I could think to myself was abeg which kain ojoro be dis again? 110 USD roughly equates to 16,245 NGN... and that's not even the black market rate o!!!

I wanted to laugh out loud this time... but all I could resort to doing was SMDH.

I know say I for no use correct English again to yab these wayo masters but damn it all that comes to mind is:

‘Inglorious Bastards’.


Monday, 16 March 2009

happiness is egg shaped

I’m hiding behind angels
A little frightened
But already numb to the pain

I go into hospital today
For treatment
Pre-cancerous cells the letter said

I say
It is not cancer
It is not cancer
It is not cancer
‘…keep your kiss of death
'Cause I choose glory, yeah.’

I called my friend yesterday to talk it through
Respice Finem
She allayed my fears
The Doctor tells me it s quite normal to be abnormal

My advice to you ladies is get smear tests done reguarly
Is it every 3 or 5 years they recommend?
I can't quite remember

I do know
That I am calm
That I am and have always been blessed
So I am still able to smile and laugh in the here and now
I cherish that

So like I said I’ll head out for treatment in a couple of hours... going there with the Good Shepherd =)


Wednesday, 4 March 2009


There are so many different ways to say it so I will only cover a few below:

Goodbye - English
Slán - Irish
Hwyl fawr - Welsh
Au Revoir or à bientôt - French
Auf Wiedersehen - German
Adiós or hasta la vista - Spanish
Adieus - Portuguese
Ciao or arrivederci - Italian
Yasou or andio - Greek
Näkemiin - Finnish
Dag or Tot ziens - Dutch
Hejdå - Swedish
Farvel - Danish
Żegnaj - Polish
Poka or Пока - Russian
Shalom - Hebrew
Ma'a al Salama - Arabic
Sayonara - Japanese
Zai Jian or 再见- Chinese
Paalam - Filipino
Sampai Jumpa - Indonesian
Namaste - Hindi... funny because Namaste is also the same word for hello in Hindi :-)

So I got this text message on Sunday from my razz cousin... who I am really holding back from doing a post on because it will always be one done in anger... her own is just to try and con me out of money and for that reason I haven't seen her in years... not since she begged me to give her some serious cash (which I did); only for me to realise her plan was always to abscond back to Nigeria the very same day she got it from me... no wahala sha but my own is once bitten, twice shy... *sighs*...

Anyway I got her text and I started to laugh… so much so I couldn’t stop.

Farida: Hope u are good? Just checking on u. Call me! CHAO.

ROTFLMFAO… abeg which one be chao?… kai! I want to believe that it was a slip of the finger… simply a typo… but I have learnt otherwise with her… yarning with her for 5 minutes is pure hard work… she be village girl o! but dat one no concern am because she go just dey blow her own phonetics by fire and by force.

Please why do people just continue to bastardise a language in an effort to feel among?


What the hell was wrong with just saying o da bo?!!!


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