Monday, 23 March 2009

inglorious basterds

This is the story of my encounter with the ‘Inglorious Basterds’… no I haven’t spelt it incorrectly but should I choose later to follow the original mantra forged by Enzo Castellari, I will change the title of this post to ‘quel maledetto treno blindato’. For now I have simply chosen to phrase it as Quentin Tarantino has =)

Anyway... as I was saying... I’ve always done my best to avoid ‘quel maledetto treno blindato’ but as I surfed the internet, trying to figure out the hoops I needed to jump through to get a new naija passport, I realised that I needed to ride ‘that damned armoured train’ to get it...

Mind you, McAfee warned me sha... it warned me well well that the site was not recommended for my computer... ‘harmful’ it said... McAfee even posted a big red cross on the pop up screen as it begged me not to proceed onwards towards the voyage of damned’.

But I needed a new naija passport... so I decided to scoff out loud as I thought to myself ‘these oyinbos don come again… norring do me jare’

I mean I’m very used to hearing such aspersions against Nigeria… but this was aimed against an official system operating in the UK… it felt at least over exaggerated if not untrue...

Suddenly McAfee’s advice felt similar to that of the Foreign and Commonwealths Office’s (FCO’s) current travel advice on my beloved country in sub-saharan Africa ‘…we advise against all travel to the Niger Delta States of Bayelsa, Delta and Rivers (including Port Harcourt)’.

Hahahaha... shebi Baroque still dey Port Harcourt kampe... shebi all dis time dem neva kidnap am for ransom... so wetin be dis one again?

So as I am sat there at my computer, I basically start to ponder on the variety of infractions working against the reputation of my beloved naija... I also started to try to figure out wherein lay the real threat.

I reasoned that as an official nigerian website in foreign territory, it would be well fortified and definitely trustworthy… I mean why would the webpage for the Nigerian High Commission in London use the same stratagem that allowed the Greeks to finally enter the city of Troy during the Trojan War against me?… I was one of its own… I wasn’t fighting against them…

On the flip side, I also reasoned that McAfee had never been wrong… but what choice did I have? I needed a new passport as I planned to be in Lagos for Easter…

So I clicked to proceed and entered the website… soon after which, I quickly recognised the ‘bastardi senza gloria’

They were the ones that used computer code with military precision to try and target my precious hardware… they were the ones that arrived with malware hidden inside NOT ONE BUT FOUR Trojan Horses that were hurled at the gates of my firewall as soon as I opened the webpage.

Please o!... help me beg... why?!

Why would the NHC want to have unauthorized access to my machine to save their files? Why would the NHC want to control my computer or view my screen?

While I sat there stunned in utter disbelief, McAfee wasted no time in disposing of all four Trojans.

So for now, my Troy still stands proud.

You’d think I’d have shut it down and left straight away right?


I figured that since I was there (and seemingly able to withstand the attacks) I might as well carry on with my reconnaissance mission and find out about payment too… I find what I'm looking for... but not utterly sure that I fully understand what I'm seeing, I click on the link for the application process and get re-directed to the Nigerian Immigration Service... fees on the NIS website are listed as 8,750 NGN with InterSwitch payments or 110 USD with Google payments

My head wanted to scatter as it reworked the nonsensical numbers again and again… in the end all I could think to myself was abeg which kain ojoro be dis again? 110 USD roughly equates to 16,245 NGN... and that's not even the black market rate o!!!

I wanted to laugh out loud this time... but all I could resort to doing was SMDH.

I know say I for no use correct English again to yab these wayo masters but damn it all that comes to mind is:

‘Inglorious Bastards’.


BSNC 23 March 2009 at 10:33  

lol na really ojoro. yay am first,,,

ShonaVixen 23 March 2009 at 11:25  

BSNC where did you come from???
Nway m second!!!

Anonymous,  23 March 2009 at 11:28  


What a real 'ojoro'.

It would be nice to have a post on your 9ja experience when you are in town,that should be fun.

...and I admire your faith.

taKia and God bless

LG 23 March 2009 at 11:48  

lol oyinbo nor dey do ojoro o :-)
*omoge how farz??

Afrobabe 23 March 2009 at 12:25  

Same thing happened to when i tried to print out something from the really should be worked on

olusimeon 23 March 2009 at 14:01  

thank goodness ur city still stood o.

~Sirius~ 23 March 2009 at 14:12  

How else would you know you're on your home site..............*hiss

O'Dee 23 March 2009 at 15:22  

Why such diff in price; 8k to $110???

Glad your troy still stands.

Anonymous,  23 March 2009 at 15:39  

oh pele. the stewwwpidd inglorius basterrds.

Rebirth 23 March 2009 at 16:35  

big time ojoro...... na wa o

Buttercup 23 March 2009 at 22:41  

Wow..wonders shall never cease..

I hope u r getting better??

Shubby Doo 23 March 2009 at 23:19  

@BSNC - true talk.


@shonavixen - what can i say but the woman is fast

@babajidesalu - thank u

@LG - i dey sista how now?

i wan say na true talk be dat...but dem dey do jare…e be like say de only thing why their own fit different na because dem go first comot everybody wey dey for room so person dey no go see to talk true…na because of dat we dey think say oyinbo no dey do ojoro…when dey wan do wayo for person, you go see se na dem be masters of the game o!

@afrobabe - i have it on good authority that they know about it but yet they choose to do nothing about it

@simeone - Amen o!

@sirius - *sighs*

@o'dee - i called again today and the price was different again...on the answer machine it was £54...another link from the website said £39... i'm told by someone else that neither are correct... frankly i'm fed up

@temite - thanks

@buttercup - i'm fine thanks...taking it one day at a time...that itself reminds me that everyday is a blessing

Anonymous,  23 March 2009 at 23:59  

I think a proper yoruba translation would be....Awon Oloshi Randanrandan

Rita 24 March 2009 at 12:35  

You do have a way with McAfee does not lie at all? Hmmmm..that's a new one...

SOLOMONSYDELLE 24 March 2009 at 16:30  

as you landed many comments

SOLOMONSYDELLE 24 March 2009 at 16:31  

are you trying to get a new passport?

SOLOMONSYDELLE 24 March 2009 at 16:31  

where are you anyway? In the US?

SOLOMONSYDELLE 24 March 2009 at 16:31  

naija websites get as dem be

SOLOMONSYDELLE 24 March 2009 at 16:32  

you are even lucky to find some at all

SOLOMONSYDELLE 24 March 2009 at 16:32  

i am still looking for ministry of information's site...

SOLOMONSYDELLE 24 March 2009 at 16:32  

and this makes it 12, but I think you left 13 shebi?

SOLOMONSYDELLE 24 March 2009 at 16:33  

so, now, I don finish my own landing. Do I have top commentator spot at your blog yet, the way you have at mine, lol!!!

Original Mgbeke 24 March 2009 at 22:09  

LOL.. Solomon is killing me.
Yoo BSCN don turn into Ms. Furst.
Aniwoos Shubby Doo that's crazy jo. Na real 419, first of all they try to attack your computer then they try to stick you for your paper. *SMH*

Shubby Doo 24 March 2009 at 22:48  

@solomonsydelle - have killed me o! I can't stop belly aches, my cheeks hurt and the tears are still streaming down my face...kai...13 comments just for me...thank u o!...that was hilarious.

SSD, I know se u know people so u fit help me get my particulars abi...biko...but na awoof I wan do o! Pls get them to waive the ALL the

US ke? No...not yet...(maybe I'll go in may to skydive again...I know I'm crazy!!!). For travels around the world I use my british passport cos for the most part I don't need to get travel visas but to travel to and from lagos I bring out my green pali.

Lolia 25 March 2009 at 01:16  

First of all lol @ Solomonsydelle

Secondly, Buttercup totally read my mind "Wonders shall never cease"

Hope you're good Shubby dear...In case you're looking for me I changed my blog url to because someone I didn't want anywhere near my blog found out the old one and started reading it...Long story...Anyway feel free to stop by and hope you're taking good care of yourself..

Toluwa 25 March 2009 at 02:43  

naija in jand or yankee dnt make dem any bera!

Jay 25 March 2009 at 10:34 may need to go there in person. When my passpost expired i carried my own two legs to the embassy because the girl on the phone had no clue...she even gave me the wrong fee!!!

.. 25 March 2009 at 13:08  

I do hope you get your passport..because...I'd be expecting you in

BSNC 25 March 2009 at 15:14  

here is afrobabe's link.. hope it works(keeping my fingers crossed). tell me if it does

Shubby Doo 25 March 2009 at 17:43  

@chari – where have you been hiding?!

LMAO @ Awon Oloshi Randanrandan…I think I might update the post with that :-)

@rita – oya spill dearie what has McAfee done to you?

@solomonsydelle – just for you I have added top commentators widget – you’re on it but afrobabe is first…think it is only cos I chose the one for 5000 comments if I’d chosen the other one I’m pretty sure you’d have been first =)

@lolia – I understand. Welcome back. I have re-blogrolled you

@just…toluwa – lol. Na tru talk be dat o!

@wordmerchant – you actually got to speak to someone…every time I tried to speak to an operator the line automatically cut off!!!

@doll - *laughing* I must admit I didn’t expect that from her but then again I did spam @ hers

@rose – I hope so too but it is not looking likely :-(

@BSNC – thanks. It worked. Yay!!!

Tigeress 25 March 2009 at 21:09  

I take it it wasnt the real site? or just Nigerians being incompitent?

anyway, hope you were able to sort out your passport and is heading to Naija for Easter. My girls are but unfortunately i'm unable to due to reasons beyond my control. I am so eating my hear tout right now cos i really wanted to go and rock Easter there. :(

Smaragd 26 March 2009 at 00:49  


only naija fit "miscalculate" dollar like that.

Nigerian Drama Queen 26 March 2009 at 02:10  

I can instantly tell that you and I would have completely different taste's in how you incorporated Enzo G. Castellari-speak-into this post though.
As for 9ja websites, one day e go better...
In situations like this i'm greatful for dual citizenship...

BSNC 26 March 2009 at 12:38  

you didn't tell me if it worked(folds her hands and looks the other way).. ohh you did (smiles sheepishly)

Carlang 28 March 2009 at 15:52  


I have missed you and your interesting life.

Hello dear.
You;re right. I owe you a story explaining the transition from seraph angel to weapon wielding feathered page.

I'll work on that.

How are you?
You sound... look... fine!

Jennifer A. 28 March 2009 at 23:04  

Lol @ all you could say..."inglorious..."

Where did u get that from? That's hilarious. I would have run away. LOL. You just never know...

CaramelD 30 March 2009 at 16:26  

I warned you lot about that site and the whole building, and the whole organisation!


PS Thank you for your words of comfort on my site :)

Shubby Doo 30 March 2009 at 18:27  

@tigeress – I had hoped so too but I don’t think I will make it out there…my new passport won’t be ready in time…and when it is, I really can’t justify buying an expensive ticket at this late stage only to spend a week in naija…

@smaragd – my dear u think dat na only dat dem no sabi do…truth is that aint the case …I’ll finish my story: I filled out the forms, paid the money and then took wordmerchant’s advice and carried myself there on 2 legs…when it got to processing my particulars… guess what?!!!... I noticed that my first name was listed as ‘doo’ and my last name was ‘shubby’…if I hadn’t noticed they would just have changed my identity like that to ‘doo shubby’!!!...can you imagine?!!!...I even had to beg them to change it…

@NDQ – lol…I have dual citizenship too but getting a visa on my british passport costs just a bit less than a new naija passport itself. It wasn’t worth the cost or the stress of going thru it twice cos @ the end of the day, I still need a new re-issue of my naija passport this year.

At least this way I don’t have to suffer their wahala for another 5 years (I’m thinking that that one will be easy sha cos it will just be me doing small suffer head for a renewal).

My movie taste is quite eclectic (I think)…u already know that I love Chinese films…
I don’t really do horror but I have watched things like ‘saw’ while my eyes are hidden behind my fingers (as long there are no religious connotations to it I can just about stomach such films)
I also love war films like ‘saving private ryan’, ‘full metal jacket’, ‘300’, etc…
I enjoy romantic comedies like ‘blueberry nights’, ‘an affair to remember’ etc…
I’m big fan of comic book/graphic novel remakes like ‘watchmen’, ‘iron man’, ‘spiderman’ and ‘batman’…
I dig detective movies like ‘LA Confidential’, ‘Dial M for Murder’, ‘Seven’ etc…
I‘m mesmerised by bollywood films like ‘KG3’, ‘devdas’, ‘guru,’ ‘taal’, ‘parineeta’, ‘jodha akbar’ etc……
I get easily engrossed watching western movies like ‘man with no name’, ‘once upon a time in the west’, ‘unforgiven’ and let’s not forget the ultimate classic western movie: ‘the good, the bad and the ugly’…

Oya tell me that I haven’t mentioned one film there that u don’t like…lol…

speaking of clint eastwood films, I went to watch ‘gran torino’ 2 weeks ago…it is so politically incorrect it is just fab…a true breath of fresh air…I actually shed a tear at the end…Clint Eastwood will always be brilliant behind and in-front of the camera

@BSNC – I did o! so no vex!

@carlang – are u saying u will write more just for me?…awww…missed u too sweetie ;-)

@jaycee – lol…

There is a Quetin Tarantino film called ‘inglorious basterds’ starring Brad Pitt (loosely based on the Castellari’s original)…it is due out later this year I think …or perhaps it is due out next year, I forget…anyway, make sure u catch it!

@carameld - i must have missed your warning...reminder to carameld's old posts

no problem sweetie. Been thru it myself and it was some comfort to hear Ms Sula tell me 'it's just growing pains' :-)

tobenna 31 March 2009 at 15:03  

So, I take it you did not succeed in getting your passport?

CaramelD 31 March 2009 at 17:52

Persecution of the highest level.

UndaCovaSista 31 March 2009 at 18:23  

Shubby, i see you've slipped seamlessly in to fill the void left by those 2 cerebral blogs of yore - atutupoyoyo and naapali (in my opinion :)) least judging by the traffic.
How are you, luv?

FineBoy Agbero 1 April 2009 at 22:47  

Kai! Wayo, even against our own? Even in foreign lands? Na wa for dis country o!

My dear, how u dey sha? Hope u computer survived it sha? Not with dis April Fool worm crawling the Internet. Berra be kiaful!

Shubby Doo 2 April 2009 at 15:32  

@tobenna - I did...

@carameld - lol...thanks.

@UCS - am fine thanks. How r u. Have missed u. Thanks but in no way can I compare my blog to the skills of Ah22 or the mastery of Naapali. I miss them.

@FBA - oga mii how now? help me thank God o! Luckily, I didn't get the e-mail with the april fool worm so no worries :-)

Thirty + 3 April 2009 at 11:40  

Yep me thinks UCS is on the right track.

Troy still stands hurray.

Nigerian Drama Queen 3 April 2009 at 20:35  

Oya I can't lie, you've mentioned quite a few films I love! You just reminded me my 9ja passport may have expired sef. The last time I renewed it, the used a PEN to write it! can u imagine a PEN!!! So omo just carry biro and write your renewal date...LOL!
Havent checked out the Clint Eastwood flick but I love politically incorrect fiasco's so I'll have to add it to my must see list!

laspapi 4 April 2009 at 15:41  

I'm really sorry but I laughed through this. 4 Trojans? On a government website? You really should try to get this published in a Nigerian newspaper.

Miss Definitely Maybe 5 April 2009 at 16:52  

Girl thats twice in less than six months you planing to be in Naija, hmmmmmmmm i wonder what you got there......actually if im not mistaken that 'getting laid post' was when you were in Naija n December right????? I smell a story

kay-shawn 5 April 2009 at 18:52  

Hi, did you say you'll be in Naija for Easter?

7 April 2009 at 10:41  
This comment has been removed by the author.
Buttercup 8 April 2009 at 03:18  

hey Shubby! how are you??

Jay 8 April 2009 at 13:09  

hey shubbs just checking up on ya..hope ur ok

.. 8 April 2009 at 14:38  

Hey you...
Just checking up...
Hope your passport issue has been resolved??????

SOLOMONSYDELLE 13 April 2009 at 15:52  

Babe, still no update? Everything cool? Just gave you a slight assignment at Easier oh!!!!!

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