the usual suspects

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas. Wishing you all a happy and blessed start to the New Year.

I got back from Lagos on Wednesday. I’ve swapped the heat only to find that being re-immersed in the cold is more unbearable. C'est la vie I guess.

I had a fab holiday…

OMG, before I forget let me just say that while in Lagos, I watched the Nigerian films ‘Jenifa’ and ‘Jenifa 2’... suliat kan, aiyetoro kan… LMAO... filmed in Yoruba but with English subtitles I think part 1 is a must see for all... absolutely hilarious!!!

OK... back to the jist of this post... i.e. what I got up to... Smaragd, just to let you know that I rocked a little at places like Caliente, Penthouse, Insomnia and Auto Lounge… what else did I do?… I went to Federal Palace… I visited Shoprite for the very 1st time (more for necessity than curiosity)… I went to 2 weddings, one kiddie party, and attended our New Year’s Day family event… funny sha this is the first time in years I purposely didn't take my camera out with me. So I've decided to commit, the various snapshots of my memories hanging out with the usual suspects here. Some, you know… like Rosetta, Reverie, Spartan, Wole Ray and Jay but others you don't… like Niata, Ababa and Kujan plus I met new people like IJ, Ash and Baer.

I just can't believe we're going to walk into certain death
I hope that Jeremy Hoyland, the British jet skier that went missing off the coast of Bali, two months ago is found safe and sound soon. It just brings home how dangerous our antics could have been. Last Sunday, by the time Reverie turned up to pick me up, we'd already missed the boat. I had just about given up the ghost on going to the beach but Reverie decided otherwise.

Reverie: I was going to go on the Jet Ski by myself but you're coming with me. You know we are going to fall in don't you
Shubby Doo: Yes… crap… Ok, let's go

Luckily, we didn't fall into the water as we rode all the way from the ikoyi to ilashe… from behind I clung on to him... and for most of the time I had my eyes closed... so you see when we finally caught up with the boat that had left 20 minutes before us… I was more than just relieved.

Get yourself laid
I did.

I got thrown this job by some lawyer
The job was simple really… I just had to let her outshine me… as if. IJ is one of those girls I normally stay well clear off… she is the kind that name drops and thinks she is the most attractive girl in the room even with her nasty weave. I met her at a wedding that I went to with Niata. She purposely manoeuvred her bleached... whoops... I meant to say toned body to sit next to the guy I was chatting with and her dumb gob just spoilt the intelligent conversation we were having. 2 hours later at a BBQ, she saw me walking past and stopped me.
IJ: Hmmm… You’re the engineer aren’t you?
Shubby Doo: Yes… & you’re the lawyer

I walked away and when I came back to sit down she had miraculously remembered my name. I saw her smile fade when Reverie came to sit next to me. It completely disappeared when Spartan stopped dead in his tracks as he realised he wasn’t hallucinating, winked at me and then marched straight up to me to say hello.

Well I believe in God, and the only thing that scares me is Keyser Söze
The attraction Spartan and I still share scares me… our chemistry is still as ‘excited’... our Keyser Söze is still as ‘dangerous’... as it was the 1st day we met… so how exactly we managed to keep politely saying hello to each other without tearing each other's clothes off after a year with no real contact is a mystery. Whatever he is doing… whoever he is with… he stops and drops everything just for me…
Spartan: Are you ok?
Shubby Doo: I'm fine thank you

I know he doesn't get it but it is not for me anymore. How he always found a way to try and talk to me, hold my waist or stroke my arm in the shadows is beyond me… I was mostly indifferent to it... but the fact that it was always done out of sight of his babe did cause me some concern because I've always know him to be truthful. As far as I'm concerned we are just friends now… it’s an ego thing I think… basically, he cannot understand why I walked away from ‘us’ without blinking… but I’m sure he’ll deal with it soon enough.

After that my guess is that you will never hear from him again
If only. I met Ababa at the beach 3 years ago… his conversation skills have not matured in that time. Apparently Jay tells me that Ababa is ever so shy and quite sweet when he is sober but I guess that means I've only met him when he has had something to drink and his manners have gone to pot.
Ababa: I love your eyes
Shubby Doo: Thank you
Ababa: I wonder what they would look like at the moment of penetration
Shubby Doo: You'll never know. At 21, I couldn't tolerate such nonsense let alone at this age. Excuse me

Before I left he asked for my London number. I refused to reply. He went on facebook and wrote nonsense on my wall… my brother ATA says I should just limit profile his ass… I think I might just do that. After that my guess is that he’ll probably not hear from me again.

That's funny. He called me last night
He called and asked me to go outside and look at the moon… I did… and yes everybody has yabbed me already because apparently I should have pretended but then I wouldn't have seen what Ash was talking about... the bright star shouldering its crescent.

I met Ash at a club I went to with Niata. I liked him from the very start. We danced and talked and danced some more. He offered to take me home when Reverie disappeared... chasing women as usual...
Shubby Doo: Where is he? I can't see him... Ok I'm not going to panic for another 10 minutes... darn... I should have gone home with Niata
Ash: No you shouldn't. I'm glad you stayed

Anyway, the word is he carries around a lotta cash
IJ came to my rescue and took Baer away from me… he bored me shitless... and I got so sick and tired from rolling my eyes all night… it was that bad.
Baer: Can you imagine that guy told them to send me the bill for the extra stuff he ordered
Shubby Doo: I don’t understand. Why would he?
Baer: I organised the BBQ and paid for it and he had the audacity to send the bill for the extra stuff he ordered to me
Shubby Doo: Pele… that’s not right
Baer: People always do that to me. They know I have money and I guess that is what happens when you work like me… I mean I could do a 9 to 5 job but then I wouldn't have as much money and…

I don’t remember the rest… I’d switched off

In English, please?
Kujan is hilarious… as soon as he gets into London and sees oyinbo people he’s accent switches…even with Nigerians… he just can’t help blowing his phonetics… He took the seat I’d saved for Reverie at the Christmas table… yet I wasn’t disappointed with his company… we teased each senseless about our accents… I haven’t laughed so much during Christmas dinner like I did with Kujan… I’m hoping to catch up with him in London sometime this month.

A rumor's not a rumor that doesn't die
Tinuke: Aunty Shubby Doo I saw you and Uncle Reverie flirting
Shubby Doo: You?!!!… you have started with that active mind of yours again abi?
Tinuke: You were flirting
Shubby Doo: Maybe the intensity you saw was me having a go at him. He was supposed to take me somewhere and he didn't
Tinuke: Hmmm… maybe... I still think you were flirting!!!

On another occasion when it was time to leave and go home, Niata came back to tell me that I was, in fact, staying.
Niata: Your husband said I cannot take you. He says he'll drop you off.
Shubby Doo: Which husband?
Niata: Reverie
Shubby Doo: Hahaha… he came here cause I told him we were coming… we've not really hung out this last week that we've both been back in Lagos… I'll just double check with him but I'll probably stay. Thanks anyway

You kids ready?
That’s what I think of Jay’s girlfriend… a kid… she is totally insecure about my friendship with him… so much so that she stopped him from coming out with me on New Year's Eve despite the fact she couldn't accomodate him in her plans. I told him it was ok… he was so embarrassed. Apparently he warned her well... he felt that she had insulted me and inadvertently got him to insult our friendship. He called to take me out to Terra Culture 2 days later. We then ended up at Sky Bar (EKO Hotel) for dinner. She called every hour… after the 3rd time she called him back immediately to talk to me… apparently she thought it might have seemed rude that she hadn’t asked to say hello… silly girl... if she thinks I'm going to give up on my trusted confidant she has another thing coming.

Put a leash on that puppy
Before I left Lagos, Jay called me.
Jay: You need to talk to Reverie. I don't know what you two are playing at but you guys have something and you both don't want to deal with it
Shubby Doo: Ok I will
Jay: No you won't
Shubby Doo. You are right I won't
Jay: Shubby Doo
Shubby Doo: Swiftly changing the subject… guess who I spoke to last night?… Ash
Jay: And?
Shubby Doo: He was a bit ratty… his car had broken down... it over heated... and he was complaining because he hadn’t eaten all day except for a chocolate bar… I told him he sounded irritable so I was going to leave him be... to at least get something to eat… plus I had to go because they had just served up my pounded yam
Jay: You are wicked…
Shubby Doo: I know... hahaha... can you imagine that the poor guy couldn't stop himself from asking if it was powdered pounded yam... I gleefully told him it was the real kind… POUNDED YAM!
Jay: Hahaha

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist. And like that... he is gone.
I got to see my Aunty Grace. She is undergoing the treatment she needs… some days are better than others but she is a pillar of strength… she is doing much better than I’d hoped…

For those of you that helped to pray with me when I posted amazing grace... Thank you again for your support and kind words... the devil is a liar... she is well in Jesus' name.

Good Shepherd she is in your hands. Continue to heal her. Please

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nair

I stood there knowing full well that I didn’t yet have the courage to go through with my decision. I was nervous. Maybe that was why my hands continued to register the sensation of a thousand tiny thorns prickling at once. Better than suffering from sweaty palms I thought.

I searched through my bag to find a metal object. I held on to it tightly and noticed that the feeling of ‘pins and needles’ slowly began to dissipate until it was no longer there. I said a silent prayer of thanks that a trick my housemistress taught me at only 10 years old still proved useful.

Still I had not mustered the nerve to go in. I had a couple of minutes to spare. As people moved around me, I raised my head to look beyond the sun-smacked parked cars and through the trees; I could see the aquamarine of the Atlantic. I wished I could just go to the beach front and relax with everybody else. It wasn’t an option today... well not at this particular time anyway. I was expected here and all I had to do was walk through the door. I felt betrayed by society… heck…wasn't it was social conditioning that was compelling me to do this instead of sticking to the old fashion methods?

Fuck it. It was not quite against my will... I had a choice.

I turned and opened the door. I took deep breaths to calm myself as I was led downstairs. In the small room, I was asked to take off my clothes. I stripped, from the waist down, to my underwear and then I lay down on my back.

I looked up for reassurance as I questioned how bad it would really be. The eyes that stared back at me were sympathetic. I was told that it affects people at different levels but the pain was a constant factor with all. Then I was asked how far I wanted to take this. All the way; no point doing things like this by halves. My response was greeted with a smile which I tried to return but in truth even the smallest ounce of courage still alluded me.

The hands reached for my legs and split them apart slowly. Then my knickers were pushed gently to one side. I was instructed to hold myself. I didn’t understand. Through a stifled laugh I was told that it would help with the pain I would experienced because it was my first time.

As I felt the warmth of the substance being spread on my inner thigh a soft moan escaped from my lips. It actually felt quite pleasant. I tried to hold on to that thought; pleasure. Then it started and the pain was excruciating. Wave after wave it hit me as I was stripped apart. It became an unbearable assault that caused tears to trickle down my face. Eventually, I lost myself to the pain as the world around me dimmed and went dark.

It was its repetition alone that flickered on the light and brought me back to reality; a distance sounding voice asking me again and again if I was ok.

I whimpered a barely audible confession that it had been hurting. Badly. I was told that I didn’t have to go all the way; this was a good point to stop. Really? I was reassured that I had been trying to be too brave as most people were not able to go through with it completely; not the first time in any case. To keep going would be foolish.

I sat up slowly still dazed and sore. As I put my clothes back on, I was told I needed to return in 4 to 6 weeks. Apparently the pain wouldn’t be as bad the second time round. Yeah right… who was trying to kid who now? I didn't know if I would come back but I knew I would never attempt to go all the way ever again. I knew my limit.

As I stepped outside, I still could not see distinctly despite the fact that it was a sunny afternoon. Now I understood what those poor cartoon characters were meant to have been feeling after they connected with a ‘POW’ and the stars circulated above their heads.

15 months later I recounted the experience to my good friend Jay.

Jay: What made you so confident you could do it?
Shubby Doo: Once I got there...there was no going back.
Jay: Was it worth it?
Shubby Doo: When I looked up and saw the smile on Spartan’s face… it sure was.
Jay: Women… you guys are too hardcore about these things sha.
Shubby Doo: It hurt o but it didn't kill me abi?... I guess it wasn’t that bad really. Hey, you should try it.
Jay: Ehnn… really?… what do you recommend?
Shubby Doo: Waxing? for a guy?… I think probably a ‘back, sack and crack’… hmmm… for you?… I dunno but I would love to be a fly on the wall if you ever do go sha because getting that bikini wax felt like torture the 1st time… not as much now sha… but mehnnn... I have nothing but respect for all those women that opt for a Brazilian or the full Hollywood ‘bald eagle’ look.

Jay smiled as he raised an eyebrow at me. Then he changed the subject.

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child of a dream

I was going to call him ‘Iskandar al-Akbar’…but I cannot. He did not conquer my world…not even half of it. So his name here is simply Spartan but he is the stuff of my personal legend.

When I met Spartan, I was shattered; completely spent. I had finished dating Mohammed Luridness… but he wouldn’t let go. I laugh now but kai!... that Luridness boy showed me!

Spartan trained me to use superior weaponry and strategy to protect my heart. He showed me that the power to do this was one that was actually well established within me (big shout out to my Ma'a here!).

Spartan also enriched my heart by showing me that my capability to love was not something I had lost. He stimulated my spirit and captured my imagination by opening me up again to the many possibilities yet to come my way. Surprisingly, he asked for nothing in return. Yes o!... a normal naija bloke. He is very real... I promise you that I didn’t just magic him (does that even make sense?!) out from nowhere.

Most importantly, Spartan taught me to ‘be’ again without fear of loss. At the time when I most needed it he became my solace. He was someone that I cherished completely.

Let me go back a little in time…to explain my state of mind. To illustrate why being with Spartan was so bloody marvellous; I have to show you the contrast, with what had been, with Luridness.

I started dating Luridness when I was 17. He was 22.
His was Hausa. I was Yoruba.
I’d just dropped physics as I was no longer interested in medicine. He was studying to become a doctor.
His family liked me (or so he said). Mine were indifferent to him (actually my mother abhorred him).

I grew up with his love. So I believed that my love for him was real.

Thinking back now...ours was a comedy of love (albeit tragic for me).

He would complain he hadn’t seen me.
From boarding school, I carry my legs go see am.

He would complain I was still at his place.
No wahala… God dey… I remove myself commot go back school.

Then it stopped being funny and started to hurt...

I found out Luridness had cheated. We broke up.
He pleaded. Time passed. We got back together.

All was well with us until I fell asleep in Luridness arms and I had ‘the dream’. In my dream within a dream, my joy was real. In this future... I stood happily with Reverie at my side.

Hmmm…was this was an omen?…pah!

Then I started to feel guilty about ‘the dream’ because I read somewhere that our dreams are our desires as unconscious expressions. I told myself it meant nothing... except that everytime I thought about ‘the dream’, time whispered ‘shhh... patience child, you’ll see’. But I was caution’s child; someone naturally daunted at any idea that I could successfully take hold of one of life's blissful bait. I dismissed ‘the dream’ and chose to stay in the here & now with Luridness.

Meanwhile, he had other plans…ones that did not include me. I started to suspect that Luridness was cheating again but I chose not to act rashly without proof.

Inevitably, the arguments started…

Shubby Doo: That is not what you said before. Why are you making out like I just imagined this out of thin air?!
Luridness: Investigator! Shubby Doo has come again o! Honestly there is nothing. It is just in your head!
Shubby Doo: It doesn’t make sense. Haba, I’m not completely stupid.

Ha!!! I think I was. My normal intelligence failed me as I accepted one disappointment after another…

I invited him to my graduation to celebrate my success and to meet my folks.
He called the day before to say he wouldn’t be coming.

Sometimes he didn’t call. So I wouldn’t call.
Then he would call just to blast me for not calling. Eh?!!!

One night he called to say he had crashed his car…completely wrote it off. He failed to add he had been carrying about his new girlfriend at the time.

I found out Luridness had cheated. We broke up.
He pleaded. Time passed. We got back together.

I am ashamed to say I tolerated things that I don’t normally...
I am ashamed to say I dammed well let Luridness drive me to the edge of madness.

One day I looked in the mirror and I didn’t like who was staring back at me…being with him was turning me into a crazy woman… ‘olorun ma je!’ Ladies, when you no longer recognise yourself as you…it is time to leave.

I prayed for strength. I prayed for indisputable proof so I would not weaken in my resolve to let go. I got it…he had two other girlfriends.

I broke it off again.

First Mohammed Luridness’ mother wrote me a letter. She apologised for his behaviour. She had thought I’d be her daughter-in-law. She was sorry it was not to be.

Then Mohammed Luridness’ step sister called me…who was I dating? I should give her brother another chance.

Then Mohammed Luridness’ half sister sent me IM…her brother was still in love with me…how far?!

Meanwhile Mohammed Luridness was still doing his own rubbish to wind me up…

I said don’t call. Luridness would call.
I said don’t text. Luridness would text.
I said leave me alone. Luridness would turn up at my flat at 1am.

Then one day he called me to tell me that he’d gotten someone pregnant. The stupid idiot actually opened his mouth to say it was my fault…if I had gotten back with him it would not have happened. I laughed out loud. I said he needed to turn to God.

I called his cousin…I told her to warn him well well…I wanted him out of my life.
She talked to him…no joy. She told his mother.

Mohammed Luridness’ mother sent me an e-mail. As her son she loved him but she told me I should not be afraid to cut him off.

I tried.

He would still call with unknown or withheld numbers. The one I hated was when turned up to my flat at the dead of night… if something happened to him as he drove recklessly to mine they would say that I was doing juju for him…one that was so strong that he put me before his child…Hell No!!!

His games exhausted me…yes, my fault…as an amateur I should have known the weakness of my hand and run screaming from the table.

He ravaged my heart and left me feeling void … yes, my fault… I chose to look straight into the eyes of Medusa.

It had to stop….I prayed. Hard! God gifted me with Spartan.

Luridness found out about Spartan...he couldn't believe that I had traded up for better looking and younger model... it dwarfed him. He kept trying but eventually he left me alone. Actually saying that he still tried to get in touch last year… I told him ‘never call me or text me again’. His reply was ‘what is wrong with you …ok no probs. I won’t’. I thought to myself ‘ode olodo oshi!’.

Anyway... back to better thing jare...

4 years after I dreamt it, ‘the dream’ came true. …I was at a family wedding in Lagos. I was laughing and taking pictures with the bride, and then suddenly it felt like I was experiencing déjà vu... I turned and I saw Reverie at my side. It was surreal (still is whenever I think about it)...but as caution’s child I was too scared to completely embrace ‘the dream’ which had revealed Reverie ...as what exactly?!

Reverie (whom I was going to call McDreamy... shabby idea abi?) and I became very good family friends. He just refused to let me disappear inside myself. If he heard I was in town he would just turn up to take me out. He’d take me to the beach, barbecues, parties etc…No wasn’t an option. To be honest, I welcomed it. I had few female friends I trusted in Las Gidi and I was wary of hanging out with male friends. With Reverie, I felt secure in the fact that because we were family friends I wouldn’t hear any stupid gist about me.

One New Years Eve, Reverie invited me to his dinner party at Ikoyi. We were waiting for all the guests to arrive at dinner. Then I heard someone say ‘the preacher’. I turned to see Spartan arrive with his brother. They had just come from church. He sat down and said very little. Instantly I liked his calmness…plus he was tall and very good looking…haba, I’m not blind...the guy has a body of a god…okay not quite but his does closely resemble the bodies of the Spartans in the film in 300…

Anyway… knowing that some Naija guys ‘like to feel’ too much, I simply said hello when introduced and then continued trying to have a conversation with Wole Ray who was an old work colleague. This in itself was funny exercise because Wole Ray was slightly tipsy…correction…he was very much inebriated. I was thinking to myself ‘how?... hasn’t he just come from church too?’, when Spartan tried to join in. I’m not very good with new people….I prefer to watch and listen first…so I disengaged and after a while I excused myself and disappeared outside to watch the fireworks.

From the dinner party Reverie, I and co went to Tangiers. Reverie had to dropped someone off so he arranged to meet us later but in the meantime he told me that Spartan would take me and two others to Bacchus. This was in the days before all roads... it was well before the actualisation of 6 degrees north…

Anyway... when we were about to enter the club I felt his hand on my waist...hmmm....

I went upstairs and was lucky enough to find a seat next to some girlfriends. I sat down, happy at the thought that I no longer had to balance on 4 inch heels.

Sometime during the night I noticed that Spartan kept returning to stand next to me.

Spartan: are you ok?
Shubby Doo: yes thanks
Spartan: do you want to dance?’
Shubby Doo: no thanks
Spartan: what would you like to drink?’
Shubby Doo: champagne or a whiskey & coke

He brought back both…hmmm...

He offered me the glass and as I reached for it, he took my hand and kissed it...hmmm...

I expected him to leave again but he didn’t. This dude just stayed by my side. From my seat, I turned to look up at him…he looked straight into my eyes and sparks ignited…yawah!

Soon it was time to go home…

Spartan: Can I take you home?
Shubby Doo: Thank you but no.
Spartan: Why not?
Shubby Doo: I don’t know you. Plus my mother always told me to make sure I returned back home with whomever I went out with. I came with Reverie.
Spartan: I see. Ok. No problem.

Spartan went to speak to Reverie. Then, without a goodbye, he got in his car and drove off.

We left then too but on the way back home, through my haze, I noticed another car was following us. My first thought was ‘armed robbers’…why hadn’t I insisted on going back home early… I started praying. Then the other car pulled up to my side of the car...abeg why my own side?

At first I continued to face my front...then I turned and looked out of the window. It was Spartan.

He smiled.
I smiled back.
He laughed.
I laughed too.

Reverie wound down my window, leant over, said ‘guilder’, signalled forward and then proceeded to drive off. Guilder ke?... WTF?!!! (abeg which one of una sabi this yeye ‘man talk’ because im meaning pass me).

Reverie drove us back. ‘Give me a minute and I will walk you home’, Reverie started to say but he was interrupted by a presence at the door; it was Spartan. He had followed us back.

I started to smile.

I was so conscious of myself that I was unprepared for the moment Spartan stole a kiss from me when everybody else had disappeared from the living room... it was the breif but sweet... suddenly my knees felt weak...

Alone again... I took a seat to steady myself.

Suddenly Reverie re-appeared and told me he was just stepping out.... as he opened the door to leave he simply said ‘Spartan wants to talk to you’. I looked up again but this time Spartan was now stood in front of me, smiling...

That is how and when I started ‘on the road to Sparta’… starting in Lagos, we meandered through London, travelled to Europe and then headed back to Nigeria.

It turned out to be one of my sweetest journeys…during which Spartan carefully nurtured me underneath his splendid sun.

In turn, I flourished ;-)

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