crossroad blues

This post is dedicated to Naapali (doc since you say you have a compass and a map…I’d really like to know where you got those from so that I may source mine too and use them to avoid the hazards of the valleys).

Anyway… back to my post…

I will start with snowflakes… these are formed from tiny super-cooled cloud droplets as they freeze. Each one is approx 10μm (i.e. 10 microns) in diameter…delicate things don’t you think?… they have a geometry that is so intricate that each one is deemed unique… much like the human soul.

I have said before that within the House of Agbada Daggers I am Flying Snow (do you like the new profile pic btw?… I think it quite appropriate!)

Well sometimes I feel like a glacier formed from snow; a slow river of compacted ice made so because the years have forced so much air out of me. If that is truly the case then I hope I am like a tidewater glacier that flows back into the sea of life. However, I am scared that when I get there a piece of me will break off in the deep water and in doing so that iceberg might cause the water to explode upwards.

I came very close to exploding this weekend when somebody close to me lied to me. They looked into my eyes, then called God’s name and lied.

The lie could not hurt me but my heart bled for the one that he would keep hurting; as well as for the others that he would keep trying to hurt. That I cannot abide. To say my soul is not troubled about this… about what I am capable of doing to stop this… is untrue.

This weekend I realised that I was at a metaphorically juncture in my life because both the physical and abstract met. I saw the devil in his eyes and he offered me a deal but I refused to trade in my soul or theirs. He told me that he would release the pain I have carried for too long so that Flying Snow would not become as cold and hard as ice.

Good Shepherd with you there is no pain… whatever there is here in this life… is not everlasting… that comes after.

So knowing this to be true, how could I suddenly accept a deal with the devil to become the King of the Delta Blues?… I could not. I did not. I will not. What did I do?… I simply chose to sing my ordinary version of the crossroad blues. For now, that is the small thing that I can do to ward him off; in doing so I have committed my worries and fears to God.

So here I am… at an intersection of roads…is there a better way to say that?… hmmm… I think there is… I am at a crossroad in life and I want to continue and embark on my own path. In doing so I feel like I am betraying another because I know I must leave the old behind. Only then can I return to it; only then can I understand more about the beauty of ages.

Good Shepherd I am looking to you (as I have always have) to guide me on this path.

Besides… you know I hate the idea of a satellite navigation systems simply because someone once told me that ‘women can’t read maps’… I will not be beaten by that statement… yes, I admit that I have gotten lost plenty of times; within cities, en route to cities, en route in life. Mostly because I have not trusted myself. This lack of self belief somtimes causes me to take a left or right turn much too early when I should have just continued forward. Goodness me, I even remember my delight at actually being able to drive on my own only to find out that I had missed my exit at a roundabout and was already halfway to Liverpool instead of Manchester.

Good Shepherd I want you to know that I will not stop trying to master how to read that map.

I will continue trying to drive through life without the devil on my shoulder, whispering where to go to me or telling me when to change gears … so what if I failed my driving test two times before… I passed it the third time. So what if I crashed the company hire car into the car park gates as I tried to reverse out… I believe that that is what car insurance is for.

My soul is insured through you. I smile now as I remember crying late that night when I was driving. I had followed diversion upon diversion not really knowing where they were taking me. I had been on the road for nearly 8 hours. It was close to midnight. I was tired and lost…very certain I would drive into a ditch cloaked in darkness. I calmed myself down and prayed. I decided to risk it and take the next turning and suddenly I stumbled upon a hotel. They had no spare room but the lady at the desk called another hotel about 5 miles away and organised a room for me. There is where I laid my head to sleep that night. It was a peaceful sleep for I knew that:

‘... thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me...’ Psalm 23

I will continue my best on this path… Yes I know I drive a little too fast for your liking at times… darn, I even admit to taking part in those unofficial races on the motorway. Er… I guess I am also a little too impatient at other times… I have used the inside lane to undertake in the past and you've seen me overtake those slow moving tractors on narrow country lanes… and perhaps once or twice I have very stupidly tried to out manoeuvre another on a blind summit.

Good Shepherd thank you for always being there with me and stopping me from endangering others and myself.

I have discovered that it is important to pace myself… the key is to learn from my mistakes and grow into that which I know myself to be … as a result I am a better driver… my map reading is coming along too :-)

Good Shepherd I choose you. Always.

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trick modes

Reverie: You are going to be in so much trouble you know.
Shubby Doo: Why?
Reverie: They already think something happened between us.
Shubby Doo: Why would they?
Reverie: That time you gave me a massage.
Shubby Doo: oh!

‘Rewind’ back to that Easter Sunday. Reverie had been in a playful mood at the beach. In the pool, I caught a glimpse of something moving in the corner of my right eye. I realised too late that it was him underwater as he grabbed my ankles and pulled me under.

When we both re-surfaced for air, he started pulling me by my waist towards the deep end. Now he wore a mischievous grin, in addition to his togs. I recognised this as my ‘cue’ so I threw my arms around his neck and held on to him too. I was amused… he had assumed wrongly that I couldn’t swim… hmmm… interesting!

Shubby Doo: What are you doing?
Reverie: Nothing.
Shubby Doo: I can swim you know.

As if to test me, he let go and swam away. I was tempted to feign panic… to start throwing my arms in the air… to start begging to be rescued. I didn’t. I was already aware of the crowd of people watching us. Instead I swam towards him smiling. As I got nearer, I reached out and started to take his face into my hands... for a caress perhaps. As he let his guard down, I jumped up and plunged his head under the water. Laughing, this time, I swam away.

Rosetta: What was that between you and Reverie in the pool?
Shubby Doo: He thought I couldn’t swim.
Rosetta: And?
Shubby Doo: And nothing.
Rosetta: Well it sure didn’t look like nothing to me and everybody else watching.

I ‘paused’ for thought at my words... had they been an ‘empty speech act’? Had I expressed something false? Granted, an underlying chemistry had always been there between us but neither Reverie or I had ever made it a big deal. We were family friends first. I tried to dismiss them but her words kept niggling at the back of my mind. I was now a little uncomfortable as I ‘re-played’ an earlier conversation in my head.

Reverie: Nope, I’m not taking you to the beach.
Shubby Doo: Please.
Reverie: Hmmm…ok but in exchange for a massage?
Shubby Doo: Fine.
Reverie: I’ll be there in 10mins. Be ready.

I hadn’t been serious when I had said yes but apparently he was. He made it quite clear that there was no way he was going to let me to renege on our deal.

From the beach we went to Churrascos with the others to grab a bite to eat and then it was back to his. After the Terminator 3 DVD finished I woke him up and asked him to take me back home. As he dropped me off he told me he’d be back to pick me up in 30mins; we were going clubbing. After that it was back to his again. We drank vodka shots, looked at his Christmas pictures and swapped stories. Finally, we went upstairs to his room. He took off his clothes and got on the bed, face down, in just his boxers. I straddled him, applied the oil and worked his body. It was just a back massage… honestly that's all… but I ended up spending the night there.

As if someone had suddenly pressed ‘play’, my mind jolted back to the present.

Shubby Doo: You told them nothing happened right?!
Reverie: Yep… but they don’t believe me.

I sighed. I wished I could ‘fast forward’ into the future again… I needed to know if the current premise of our relationship would always hold true. Was holding on to it ‘delusional’ or was it a ‘limiting belief’ which inhibited exploration? I remembered I was the ‘child of a dream’ which had revealed Reverie... but now I was no longer sure which of two ‘modifiers’ accompanied its inevitability... was it scepticism or gullibility?

I made up my mind there and then to ‘practice believing’; to ‘exercise faith’. However, in the car, I stayed silent in my resolve.

It was now after 6am on New Years Day and Reverie was driving me back home. To his.

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