house of agbada daggers

This post is inspired by Afrobabe (babes, I know you say your mum is a prayer warrior but I said my own prayer for change for ‘3rd brother’).

Her latest post for a ‘solution required!’ got all sorts of comments (babes, for being a good sport about it all, especially with the few that could possibly be viewed as negative, I salute you).

Anyway… my comment at hers was based on her concept of ‘3rd brother’. I chose to depict the chain of events in her post as a scene in a chinese film (yep for the sake of authenticity, I even threw in the out of sync voice over)… thankfully she took it as intended & saw the funny side!

In the same way, let me introduce you to my family… ours is the ‘House of Agbada Daggers’… I actually prefer the ‘House of Flying Jalabias’… it sounds way cooler but we are yoruba & correctly proud of it.

The ‘House of Agbada Daggers’ follows many rules. One of which is ‘honour’… it is key. The family honour must be protected at all times. As a result all members of our house do not take any criticism of any of its other members well from outsiders. To us it is a declaration of war. We have waged many successful campaigns because we follow the mantra of military ‘qi’.

We are not stupid though… in any situation after this has happened; ‘the defender’ will haul ‘the accused’ into the dock. ‘The jury’ is called & seated. Then judgement begins. I hated the family meetings because the sentences were quite demoralising. I learned a lesson from them sha… I got... correction… we all got smarter with our antics.

Anyway… ours is a house of six ruling members… I say ruling because it is rare for any of us to back down from our convictions. I digress...

There is Baba, Mãe, Ade, Ali, Shubby Doo and ATA.

Baba aka Emperor aka Old Master Bo
Baba was an air force officer. Despite his usual gra-gra, to all his children he would say ‘take it easy… fi ara ba le’. These words were always accompanied with a hand gesture that indicated the same. My father taught me the lesson of silence…a wise man takes time to listen…it is especially important if one has nothing intelligent to say.

Old Master Bo: Flying Snow, anybody can be heard; but to be understood one must to know right words to use. 1st acquire knowledge about your subject and then your audience. Remember ‘a little impatience will spoil great plans.’

My father once found out that Ade was caught sneaking out of school. He did not deal with this immediately; instead he ruined the holiday for my brother because Ade was left to stew in the fear of the unknown for its entirety. With 2 days to go, my father woke him up at 5:30am and told him to get dressed (note that he didn’t say brush, baff and get dressed o!). Ade was ready, at the front door, in less than 5 mins. They went out for a walk. While they were out he told him this.

Old Master Bo: Li Mu Bai, I am not happy about your behaviour because you should have been in school. But I am not angry that you snuck out. I am angry that you got caught. My son, now I hope that ‘a fall into a ditch makes you wiser’.

Mãe aka Empress aka Jade Fox aka The Governess
I am very much like my mother… we can smell a rat from a distance. However, our methods of execution are very different. She tends to act swiftly; setting up a cunning trap. The furore around her kill is normally quite dramatic.

My mother found out about the true nature of my relationship with Ludriness when she called me at school. I had a deal with my house mistress who decided to take that particular night off. Her substitute told my mother that I was spending the w/e away and that she had signed the form (yes o! I faked her signature). My mother made no fuss; she simply asked for a contact number and called. Luridness picked up. She never told my father of my deception but I was greeted with some serious slaps when I got home.

The Governess: Are you sleeping with him? Is this why I sent you to school? Your life is ahead of you or is it that you want to ruin it? By doing this you are ‘binding your feet to prevent progress’.

After my tears, there were more questions. With my answers she concluded that Luridness was not the best for me (does my Mãe have a spooky sixth sense or what?!)

Ade aka Crown Prince aka Li Mu Bai
Ade was the prime source of family meetings. As a young teenager, he indulged in the usual drinking and man chasing woman wrapper business. He always stayed out late and came back during the early hours of dawn. It drove my mother crazy; somehow my dad remained calm. He sat my brother down to explain something simple to him.

Old Master Bo: Li Mu Bai, you are young and your exuberance is telling you to seize every opportune moment but don’t over do this… a she ju man pa yon. It is not right to be ‘adding the legs while painting a snake’.

As Ade grew older he chose to hover in between the young and old because he felt that his duty as first born demanded it. He reigned supreme in the absence of our parents but shielded us a lot from our mother’s rantings. Ade got a thick skin for it. However, it was not bullet proof so like Neo he learned to dodge with skill. Suddenly, despite his usual exploits, the family meetings became more about Ali, ATA, and I. I paid attention and realised his plan; diversionary tactics. Egbon was taking style to betray us to our parents to keep the heat of him…Kai! It had to stop. I gathered the others together to discuss the situation.

Flying Snow: All we have to do is figure out his plan to know his next move. ‘When the map is unrolled, the dagger is revealed’. There are three of us. Eyin boys e ja ka so owo po. If we stand together united, ‘three people can make up a tiger’.

These days when Ade sees me he smiles. He calls out ‘ringleader don land. lil’ sis how now?’ or ‘kaisho, oyabun of all oyabun’. I laugh.

Ali aka 2nd Son aka Young Prince aka Jin
Ali and I are very very close but the guy knows how to wind me up…big time. There is this thing he does with his hands and eyes that still fucks me off till today. If anybody else tries it and I’m cool; totally unfazed but with Ali I loose it completely. My family finds the whole scene hilarious.

Ali terrorised me as a kid. In turn, I took great pleasure watching him being punished. I developed a particular wail that became universally recognised as a cry for help (a bit like the signal in batman…lol).

As kids, my presence antagonised him & I just didn’t understand why he always went for me. Apparently to him I was the younger sister who had betrayed him before I learnt to speak. The story goes that he came to play with me as a toddler and I smashed a battery over his head….LMAOOO (secretly I’m happy I got the first jab in but officially I’m still blaming muscle spasm). As kids, my parents always told me to leave him alone.

The Governess: Flying Snow we’ve bought you a new Ballerina Barbie doll. Leave Jin alone, ‘a rat who gnaws at a cat's tail invites destruction.’

Barbie, Ken and Skipper were great distractions in the short term but in the end I just wanted to hang with my older bro.

One time, a day after ATA’s naming ceremony, I was outside playing and I saw Ali pick up a knife that had been used to kill the malu. It was clean. He put it into the fire. Then, with a devilish glint in his eye, he turned and called me…I skipped over. He placed the hot blade on my neck and burnt me. My mother beat the sheggae out of him (thank you again God for this skin of mine that heals really well because I don’t have a scar despite Ali’s assault).

Although I have always loved him dearly, Ali is one of my inspirations for taking up kung fu for a year with a real shaolin monk after uni (no joke!). I also learnt to run fast because of him and every time I see him, I remember my unbeaten season at 200m sprints with pride.

Shubby Doo aka Princess aka Flying Snow
You know me a little already… through my blog… this is my look inward within an enclosure of boundless space… it is my interpretation of me. I am not quite sure why I blog but I do know that ‘a bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song’. I am Flying Snow.

ATA aka 3rd Son aka Small Prince aka Shinobi aka Nameless
ATA and I are extremely close. His is my protégé. For my every action, ATA can describe the thought process behind my decision. He decided to study engineering too; although, our chosen dialects are different. He also took up martial arts (kempo karate) but he did it for many years. ATA is the silent assassin of the house.

When ATA was younger, to all his questions I would reply ‘I will tell you when you are older’ (yeah right!... like either he or I would remember… I just wanted the little brat out of my way... funny how history repeats itself but this time my intolerance of him was because he wasn't born a girl!). He too didn’t like being ignored/ or dismissed. I think it was one of the reasons that he consciously chose to be the best of all of us (as he saw us); he is brighter than me, he is stronger than Ali and he is wiser than Ade.

With time the age gap between all of us has reduced and we are all much closer. We are also quite close because Ade, Ali, ATA and I used to run around hitting each other as kids (and well beyond those years). The aim of this game of endearment was simple… strike the deadliest blow and then seek cover. While the victim writhed in pain, the assailant would comment hysterically on the effectiveness of the strike.

Due to my gender and his youth, ATA and I played tag team… but not always… within the ‘House of Agbada Daggers’ when the heat was on you were on your own. One day, I landed one on ATA just after we’d just dealt with Ali together. When I saw the confusion in his eyes, I could no longer keep a straight face… I collapsed laughing. ATA calmly walked over, picked me up and floored me. I was stunned… my 13 year old little brother ke?… na lie!... I wanted a rematch (very dumb idea I know but the small boy had just chanced me!). ATA did it again. His take down was just too quick so I cannot tell you his exact move (perhaps some sort of suflex). I can tell you that Ali just stood there, and nearly pissed himself with laughter. Ade learnt about this and sat me down.

Li Mu Bai: Flying Snow you are older but you are a girl… your age made you forget that he was learning new techniques to prove himself as a match for us in various ways… your attitude towards Nameless was wrong… remember that ‘the arrogant army will lose the battle for sure.’ My approach to him will now be different thanks to you. Senior boy thinking is now needed for the kid to ensure he does not ‘out-gun’ us.

How very true… last week ATA sent me a text and then I called him.

ATA: Na wah for this your need to bond o!
Shubby Doo: Eh?!
ATA: Why do you always call me when I text you?
Shubby Doo: You asked me for some info and you are now opening your mouth to complain about my method of delivery. This kid, you’re not a serious human being.
ATA: Hahaha… cheers sis. But you know that once I have this PhD, you must start calling me Dr ATA sha.
Shubby Doo: Love you lil’ bro but dream on... no forget say ‘okra no dey grow pass im master’ … hahaha.

You now have an insight into the members of the ‘House of Agbada Daggers’.

Proceed & comment but beware of our ‘honour’.

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sex, lies &...1. blueberries

Did you know that blueberries are false berries?...apparently these types of fruits are found in plant species with an inferior ovary. However, true berries such as gooseberries, have an edible pulp.

I have met many people in life that want me to ingest their modified pepoes... or their falsehood... and like it. They think by packaging their inferiorities as something sweet, bright and juicy I will not recognise what they have tried to force down my throat. I think it is a shame that they fail to understand that had they given me the choice I might have enjoyed the simple truth better.

In my second year at university, I moved out of halls and started living with three other girls; Chixster was igbo but the rest of us were yoruba.

Let me start with introductions.

1stly, there was Bubbles. She was the youngest. Bubbles was just really sweet.

2ndly, there was Owambe. She was only months younger than me. I have to applaud Owambe…she went from a british size 20 to a size 12 (american size 8) over a period of four years…a mean feat. But her years of being ‘heavy’ meant she had issues…no, she wasn’t some sort of evil…no, she wasn’t inhumanly wicked or cruel…she just desperately wanted to feel among.

I loved the fact that Owambe tried to follow the latest trends and rock the latest designer gear but sadly she didn’t have the persona to carry off loud and quirky colours…nor did she put her outfits together well. Ladies one should know one’s own frame and by a certain age one should know how best to work with that frame to look good. Sadly, Owambe did not dress to maximise her new found frame…the girl was constantly adjusting her clothes that were too tight or pulling down her skirts that were too way short in public. I tried to give her some helpful suggestions but she made it clear that it wasn’t needed. I thought ‘nothing spoil’...not for me anyway...lol.

I found that Owambe was always looking to be the centre of attention…her advice was instructional…her ideas were best…she wanted to rule the roost. I don’t do ‘you are the boss of me’ well so when she started that nonsense I was like ‘abeg get out’. I guess it didn’t help her complex that Bubbles, Chixster and I refused to let her ego rise with us…anything she wanted to show off about was something or somewhere that Bubbles, Chixster or I could say ‘been there, done that and got the t-shirt’ to.

Anyway back to the intros…

Lastly, there was Chixster. She was the slimmest, the prettiest and the kindest…she was genuinely kind. Chixster was constantly worrying about everybody... as our mother hen, to some extent she looked after us. I got on with Chixtser the most because she seemed like a ‘straight shooting’ and ‘to the point’ kinda gal. She was slightly older than me by about two years but she knew how to have fun.

As girls do, we often gathered in Chixster’s room at night to gist. Sometimes we would stay there all night and leave just before the arrival of the morning rays of amber. On one late starry starry night, the topic turned to sex.

Chixster: What do you think about sex?

I decided to take a philosophical approach and said:

Shubby Doo: It is necessary. It can result in life. Creation of life is God’s gift. I think it is amazing that it is a very small way for human beings to really get to actually resemble their creator.

Owambe chose the more common Christian approach and followed with:

Owambe: As a born again, I don’t believe in sex before marriage. I think people should only have the sex after.

Bubbles: Me too I guess. It is not really right.

Eh? I looked from one to the other… I felt like I was in the twilight zone and in this alternate universe standard naija babes were trying to sell me tory! … na lie! I didn’t start the conversation…plus my initial answer hadn’t turned it in this particular direction…but now we where here, I just couldn’t help thinking ‘bloody pretenders!’.

I laughed.

Shubby Doo: Really…you do? hmmm…I guess I was brought up to believe that too but in reality I don’t think it is that simple.

Owambe: It is. Abstinence is not impossible.

Shubby Doo: I agree. It is not impossible. But when two people are together in the heat of the moment it is not easy not to give in to it...especially when those two people think they are in love...or are you saying that you haven’t had sex ever Owambe?

Silence.

Shubby Doo: you nko, Bubbles?

I knew Bubbles she was no saint. My brother had a big problem with us living together because she had been with more than a few naija guys at his university. Bubbles was ‘one of the regulars’. As he tended to live by the rule ‘each to their own’ he’d never been interested in judging her behaviour. He was trying to support my decision to live with whomever I chose but he had issues with us flat sharing...basically because when ‘awon boys’ came visiting to knack Bubbles and he didn’t want anybody implying that it was his little sister that had entertained.

I assured my brother that there was no problem because:

1. I had just come out of a long relationship that had been pretty serious. I wasn't looking to play the rebound game.

2. I said that I'd be ok...I knew how to handle such guys if they did turn up at ours...I'd use the steely resolve that I inherited from my mother...plus he had prepared me well as only an older brother could.

3. Bubbles was now in a committed relationship with Ayo (whom she did eventually marry) so I doubted she would be soliciting illicit visits.

I never mentioned my brother’s concerns to Bubbles because as long as she didn’t make it a problem for me, there was no problem.

But now Bubbles was claiming that sex was only suited for marriage.... hmmm...

Shubby Doo: Bubbles you no dey talk…abi wetin?

Bubbles: I think it is better in marriage.

Shubby Doo: I agree with you whole heartedly but are you saying that you haven’t had sex?

Chixster: I think sex should be with someone you love. Ideally, that commitment comes in marriage.

Bubbles: I agree with Chixster.

I was thinking to myself ‘chai!...these girls just dey dodge my question’…when I heard:

Owambe: As strong Christians, Segs and I have promised ourselves that we will only have sex when we are married. I say no to sex.

I thought ‘Owambe shut up!’. The babe was lying.

Don’t get me wrong…I understand that everybody lies…but if you cannot lie well, my advice is keep it simple or better yet keep quiet & don’t try. If you want to lie to me put some work into it…your story must be robust and your actions must support your story. Not just on the day you spin your tale but forever…I must never be able to pick holes in it…and before you start, you should remember that in time the truth tends to prevail.

In my humble opinion, Owambe’s actions did not support her words. Her room was next to mine so whenever her boyfriend Segs came to spend the weekend, the following would always happen.

12:00am: Owambe and Segs say goodnight.
They enter her room and close the door.

12:10am: I hear her bed springs squeaking…
I would laugh. This was like the tonal work of the string section of the orchestra playing the sonata...it signified the 1st movement of the great symphony to come….

12:15am: Owambe starts giggling.
From time to time Segs laughs loudly.

12:20am: I hear someone lock the door to Owambe’s room with a key.

12:25am: I hear soft moans…
Followed by faint promises of sweet nothings…
Then I hear groans...
I would laugh to myself again. This had to be the ternary movement of the symphony…but why had they re-arranged the order of this classic orchestra piece?… why had they skipped from the 1st movement to the 3rd movement and missed the slow movement?…

12:30am: I hear very, very, VERY loud music blasting out of Owambe’s room.

I have a fertile imagination… so to be fair I am now taking this opportunity to ask all the people reading this…what you think happened in that room next?

Just to help you make up your minds I’ll just say that I also remember that loud music from Owambe’s deck used to wake me up on Saturday mornings too but only if her boo was there with her.

I now realised these babes were true impressionists…they were trying to paint a work of art...they were using movement as the crucial element to distract me so that I wouldn’t focus on ‘the truth’…so I would simply believe what they portrayed as truth. I guess if people don’t see the real you from the obvious visual angles they may just catch a glimpse of a distorted image...one that seems amazing or remarkably refreshing. Well it wasn't working with me...their words just annoyed and irritated me…my mama no born mumu…

I smiled.

Shubby Doo: I think that is so sweet Owambe…to know that all you and Segs do is kiss and cuddle all night… on that small single bed…to loud music that starts at midnight and is on for at least 45 mins…That is love o!

Bubbles laughed out loud.

Shubby Doo: Bubbles I guess that is what you and Ayo do too abi? That is so sweet.

Bubbles: Ok. Let me fess us…surprise, surprise…I’ve had sex.

I was not surprised but I was happy that she had come clean…eventually.

Shubby Doo: Thank you for your honesty. Oya come and sit next to me as we are the only two sinners in this house. We have confessed our sins to God today again in the presence of Owambe and Chixster. Don’t worry confession is part of the Christian faith and practice. All will be well.

Chixster: I guess there is nothing wrong with having sex if you are in love and you are committed to each other…it does not have to be in wedlock despite what naija society tends to dictate but it is preferable.

Shubby Doo: I agree.

I was still wondering why Chixster had chosen to use those particular words...she still had not revealed...when I heard:

Owambe: Segs and I have made love...but we have decided to abstain now until we get married.

Made love ke?…you mean fucked each others brains out while you deafened me! Whatever sha…a confession is still a confession and I am not an enemy of any type of progress that results in the truth. In my mind it was not the whole truth because she was still claiming she wasn't ‘at it’ anymore...but I was happy that she could no longer look me in the eye and start her ‘hypocritical’ crap. The really sad thing is I don’t think she was ever really ‘trying’ to be even be living embodiment of her words…for her it was always about keeping up appearances and trying to say the right things so people could like her and listen to her.

Chixster stayed silent…then she excused herself and she left her own room to make a phone call on her mobile phone…

About 18 months later, Chixster started dating my brother (not the one that had had the problem with Bubbles)…their relationship lasted about 6 months…they were happy-ish but they knew it wouldn’t work when she decided to move to another country so they called it quits.

After they broke up he told me, he was not her first…she was experienced…from way back. I said nothing because I wasn’t shocked by it but his words somehow made me feel let down by her...there had been no need for the illusion. I guess some people simply choose not to share...I do understand that.

I have thought about this some more since then and after all these years I have realised something... as sung by Don McLean in ‘Vincent’, I just want to say that by starting the conversation and by walking out of your room, Chixster “…now I understand what you tried to say to me...”

My brother ended the conversation with a simple admission…Chixster was a bit of a ‘sex fiend’.

Nuff said!

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