lord of war

That should probably read 'Lords of Wars'... becos both don plenty pass o! Apologies for my absence but I’ve dealing with too many family issues these past weeks… it’s been really HARD keeping up appearances because I just want to explode… family politics is just the shits!… all this because everybody in the House of Agbada Daggers seems content to ‘just throw one's toys out of the pram’… honestly the nursery is in a right royal mess.

‘Always resort to your native tongue in times of anger. And in times of ecstasy’
Really?! Ok sha but na pidgin I go use because e be like say dis mosquito na malaria o!!!... *SMDH*... so make I yarn my tory now make una fit understand wetin dey do me abi?

‘The problem with gun runners going to war, is that there is no shortage of ammunition’
Na true talk be dat o! You see wen money miss road go make mouth… anoda one go make yeye yab am finish… I no even fit support am… who tell am say make he dey carry woman up and down.

Instead wey make chuku chuku pour water for fire he go dey side with cry baby… chuku chuku one no even vex me jare… everybody don know say na corner corner dat one dey do pass… me, I wan laugh wen I hear say he dey tell person make dem chop bullet everytime he wan land... na wa o! Abi him too wan come say all of us no sabi dat na woman wrapper dey do both of dem... from time!!!... mscheeww.

‘The first and most important rule of gunrunning is, never get shot with your own merchandise.’
Wen I see say wahala dey ground, I come say make I try talk small... sotai I talk say na condition dey make crayfish bend… say make we open eye for compound make arm robber no enter… dem no wan hear word… say make I carry go... Na so I come see say dem fit chook me too o!... so me sef I kuku comot for road jejely make dey no use my own join am…

‘They say, "Evil prevails when good men fail to act." What they ought to say is, "Evil prevails."’
From nowhere dem come face gorimpka cry blood… say make he carry dey go… ehnnn? Becos why?! Why dem dey do like fool don pass garri? Please help me beg o!… I no even sabi how he enter wahala with dem… but e be like say na becos he no wan put eye dia.

Fear catch me no be small sha wen I hear dat one sha… mind tell me say make I rush go collect am cos e no even get money enter molue or machine or carbu carbu…

‘You know who's going to inherit the Earth? Arms dealers. Because everyone else is too busy killing each other. That's the secret to survival. Never go to war.’
Wen I reach, see am tanda dia, I tell say make he dey come. Na so moro moro come dey talk tory wey get many leg… dat pololo own no be de only one wey dey for ground... dat na kill and divide cry baby dey do since... say we just dey think say na fren fren dey do am but e be like say chuku chuku wan use style take garri from all our mouth… say im don see say serious wahala already dey for ground already... dat na why he no wan put fire for dis talk... he just dey try patch am.

I just siddon dey look am…I no even fit find mouth talk again… e be like say bad belle don plenty o!... today na today... abi na craze?!!!...*sighs*…

‘They say that I am the lord of war, but perhaps it is you.’
Make I talk true... before before na me dem dey face... as per, if trouble dey na my name dem go first call... dis time sha, I'm truly trying to help where I can even though I don't do stress... this time, ‘I am a man of peace; but when I speak, they are for war.’ Psalm 120:6-7... their irrational human behaviour is just beyond me... so much so, they ALL make me want to SCREAM!!!

Honestly, man pickin don tire!... for now I wash my hands of all the nonesense jare…

p.s
Good Shepherd abeg no vex but needs must… man no die, man no rotten. I know you understand.

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364 days at Peking

‘…A Squash vine grew beneath a towering tree.
In only twenty days it grew and spread and put forth fruit.
Of the tree it asked: 'How old are you? How many years?'
Replied the tree: 'Two hundred it would be, and surely more.'
The squash laughed and said: 'Look, in twenty days, I've done
More than you; tell me, why are you so slow?'
The tree responded: 'O little Squash, today is not the day of
reckoning between the two of us'
'Tomorrow, when winds of autumn howl down on you and me, then shall it be known for sure which one of us is the most resilient…’

Nasir Khusraw

Above is how I started my very first post.

I've stayed in this foreign land for almost a year... a year on 1st June to be exact.

I have met many new friends on this ‘journey’... including a blogger quite dear to me... better known to all here as Allied... I had the pleasure of meeting her about two weeks ago on my trip to USA.

You have met Shubby Doo and Flying Snow.

Here, I have tried to hold true to the fact that I never wanted this to be my ‘boxer rebellion’ despite the fact that this in itself is a secret society. This escape has been somewhat of a ‘battle’ because unlike ‘the boxers’, I have constantly worried that this incarnation of me would not be impervious to blades or invincible against the ‘fire spears’ of foreigners

Despite my fears, in this ‘Peking’, I have tried to stay true to myself.

Have I succeeded? I guess only The Good Shepherd truly knows :-)

So for the simply fact that in 364 days I never actually chose to ‘escape from Peking to Xian’, I'm going to celebrate this occasion by saying ‘Happy 1 year anniversary’ to this blogspot.

Blogville has been a rich experience to remember...

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may days

May Day conjures up a time when the weather is warmer… flowers start to blossom... just like friendships. Yesterday, I went to ShonaVixen’s for lunch and also met up with Afrobabe, Confessions of a London gal, Jayla and Wordmerchant… all for the first time... I don’t think any of us left hers before 11:30pm... I had a fab time... ladies, it was simply a pleasure.

May is also the time that falls approximately halfway between the spring equinox and summer solstice... a time for love and romance. Well just in case cupid has decided to take time off as Labour Day… I’m off too… Flying Snow will be living it up James Bond style... lol... ok, not quite but I do have three trips planned; two of which are holidays... so be it for work or play... I'm calling these escapades my May Days.

So let me tell you about where I will be and see if you can guess... feel free to also let me know your reasoning :-)

The 1st holiday is mid month… with Tweet… and guess what?!!!… we are planning on going skydiving again!!! So I guess this is the ‘Live and Let Die’ holiday… while there, I will visit places where the Hudson divides. At some point I will become its girl but hopefully not its devil...

Where am I?
Caribbean
Jamaica
USA

The 2nd holiday is the weekend after… and it’s with Niata and Cameron… we are exploring two countries…

Initially, Niata and I will fly to the crossroads of the Pannonian Plain. Cameron will join us later as we explore a greek, roman, venetian and austro-hungarian schizoid that managed to capture the sea journeys of Dragonheart… this country features in the film ‘From Russia with Love’ although we will not be in Russia…

Where am I?
Croatia
Italy
Serbia
Turkey

Cameron, Niata and I will drive across the boarder to another country; previously ruled by bishop princes but now known as the Monaco of the Adriatic. Consider this as our ‘Casino Royale’ break away…

Where am I?
Bahamas
Czech Republic
Italy
Montenegro
Pakistan
Uganda
USA

I get back on the Wednesday and from then on it will be all work again… you see first thing on Thursday, I have to drive to Manchester for a conference… Friday morning, I’ll drive back down south at a leisurely pace; heading straight for work. On Saturday, I fly out for a week … I'm giving no clues on this one I'm afraid so feel free to just guess... but bear in mind that what they say is true… ‘The World Is Not Enough’…

Where am I?
Azerbaijan
Kazakhstan
Spain
Turkey

Oh Happy Days!

p.s
To the five ladies mentioned above, as well as Rocnaija, you are allowed to comment but not about the locations... I know that you know ;-)

pp.s
Disobey me and I will attack the blogroll!!!

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fair is foul and foul is fair

Resturant, London. August 2006
‘I wish I could pay for lunch but you know I’m not working.’
So I Paid.
‘He likes you but I want you to know that he invited me over to his place but I didn’t go. I said it was because my mother is in town.’
So I shook my head.

Café, London. August 2006
‘OMG, I told him and his friend that you were seeing someone but he had no right to call you in anger about it. I’m happy you told him off.’
So I sighed.
‘He and I got talking and I think we clicked. Maybe I understand him more than you do.’
So I nodded in agreement.
‘That night, he walked me home and we had this moment where we nearly kissed.’
So I choked back the laughter and smiled.
‘I found out that he and Terry slept together that night that he walked me home. He went back for her. She knew he liked me. What a bitch!!!’
So I sympathised.

Work. September 2006
‘Come with me to Lyon. It’s my friend’s wedding.’
So I agreed.
‘It’s not that I cannot afford it but can’t you book my ticket with your air miles?’
So I made up an excuse and declined.
‘Well I told him we were going on holiday but I don’t know why he’d want to call you last night.’
So I told her it was to wish me journey’s mercies.

Airport, London. October 2006
‘The airline didn’t fly my luggage out on my flight.’
So I confirmed that it was on my flight and called her back.

Airport, Lyon. October 2006
‘You know that calling you about my luggage finished my credit’.
So I told her about roaming charges.

Hotel, Lyon. October 2006
‘I know we are sharing but are you going to pay for the hotel for both nights?’
So I said no and watched as she begrudgingly paid for the second night.
‘Thanks for letting me use your phone. I was going to call my brother because I need credit but I can’t get through. I am going to call Cee Cee to help me top up my credit. She is the one true friend I can rely on.’
So I rolled my eyes.
‘I am running so late. I thought we had plenty of time. I can’t believe I didn’t re-set the time when I arrived in Lyon. I’ll just jump in the shower and then we can go.’
So I waited.

Train Station, Lyon. October 2006
‘The train is too crowded. The next one will be too late to make the wedding. It isn’t worth going there just for the reception. Oh well I tried. It’s her fault for not sorting out things properly for the wedding.’
So I kept quiet.

Resturant, Lyon. October 2006
‘Who is calling you? Is it him?’
So I showed her that it was.
‘He is being a real asshole. I’m so done with him.’
So I frowned, knowing full well that she wasn’t.
‘Do me a favour and delete his number so I won’t be tempted to ask you for it.’
So I deleted it because I knew she didn’t want me calling him.

Hotel, Lyon. October 2006
‘I can’t find my money. I can't understand where it could have gone’
So I showed her my purse only contained plastic money.
‘Let me tell you something. It's not nice to hear you go on about stuff you've bought when I don't have money.’
So I stared at her in disbelief and then walked out to cure my blues with more retail therapy.

In the car, London. January 2007
Maizah: Shubby Doo, do you know that even though he refuses to date her publicly, she still cooks for him every week, packs it in plastic and carries the food to his house.
Shubby Doo: The whole thing is off but I’ve told her I want no part in the friendship she has with him.
Maizah: You know Hafizah has been bitching about you behind your back; that she can’t talk to you about him.
Shubby Doo: She is at his house now. She told me not to tell you. Sad thing is it is not us she is fooling but herself. She will be her own undoing.
Maizah: You know we fought about you. I told her that she was out of order about the things she was saying.
Shubby Doo: I’m not surprised at her at all. Please o!...What has she been saying?
Maizah: Things like you finished her cash in Lyon.
Shubby Doo: Hahaha…abeg what cash?!!! I'm always picking up the tab. I simply stood my ground about the hotel. She has been bitching about you too. Apparently, you have an attitude problem because you argue with her anyhow and don’t give her the respect she deserves as she is 2 years your senior. I was like haba...relax!!! I mean I know we all went to school together but you guys are family friends... despite all her nonsense nobody has Hafizah's back like you do Maizah.
Maizah: I guess Macbeth's witches were right; ‘...fair is foul and foul is fair...’

So we laughed.

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inglorious basterds

This is the story of my encounter with the ‘Inglorious Basterds’… no I haven’t spelt it incorrectly but should I choose later to follow the original mantra forged by Enzo Castellari, I will change the title of this post to ‘quel maledetto treno blindato’. For now I have simply chosen to phrase it as Quentin Tarantino has =)

Anyway... as I was saying... I’ve always done my best to avoid ‘quel maledetto treno blindato’ but as I surfed the internet, trying to figure out the hoops I needed to jump through to get a new naija passport, I realised that I needed to ride ‘that damned armoured train’ to get it...

Mind you, McAfee warned me sha... it warned me well well that the site was not recommended for my computer... ‘harmful’ it said... McAfee even posted a big red cross on the pop up screen as it begged me not to proceed onwards towards ‘the voyage of damned’.

But I needed a new naija passport... so I decided to scoff out loud as I thought to myself ‘these oyinbos don come again… norring do me jare’

I mean I’m very used to hearing such aspersions against Nigeria… but this was aimed against an official system operating in the UK… it felt at least over exaggerated if not untrue...

Suddenly McAfee’s advice felt similar to that of the Foreign and Commonwealths Office’s (FCO’s) current travel advice on my beloved country in sub-saharan Africa ‘…we advise against all travel to the Niger Delta States of Bayelsa, Delta and Rivers (including Port Harcourt)’.

Hahahaha... shebi Baroque still dey Port Harcourt kampe... shebi all dis time dem neva kidnap am for ransom... so wetin be dis one again?

So as I am sat there at my computer, I basically start to ponder on the variety of infractions working against the reputation of my beloved naija... I also started to try to figure out wherein lay the real threat.

I reasoned that as an official nigerian website in foreign territory, it would be well fortified and definitely trustworthy… I mean why would the webpage for the Nigerian High Commission in London use the same stratagem that allowed the Greeks to finally enter the city of Troy during the Trojan War against me?… I was one of its own… I wasn’t fighting against them…

On the flip side, I also reasoned that McAfee had never been wrong… but what choice did I have? I needed a new passport as I planned to be in Lagos for Easter…

So I clicked to proceed and entered the website… soon after which, I quickly recognised the ‘bastardi senza gloria’…

They were the ones that used computer code with military precision to try and target my precious hardware… they were the ones that arrived with malware hidden inside NOT ONE BUT FOUR Trojan Horses that were hurled at the gates of my firewall as soon as I opened the webpage.

Please o!... help me beg... why?!

Why would the NHC want to have unauthorized access to my machine to save their files? Why would the NHC want to control my computer or view my screen?

While I sat there stunned in utter disbelief, McAfee wasted no time in disposing of all four Trojans.

So for now, my Troy still stands proud.

You’d think I’d have shut it down and left straight away right?

Wrong!

I figured that since I was there (and seemingly able to withstand the attacks) I might as well carry on with my reconnaissance mission and find out about payment too… I find what I'm looking for... but not utterly sure that I fully understand what I'm seeing, I click on the link for the application process and get re-directed to the Nigerian Immigration Service... fees on the NIS website are listed as 8,750 NGN with InterSwitch payments or 110 USD with Google payments

My head wanted to scatter as it reworked the nonsensical numbers again and again… in the end all I could think to myself was abeg which kain ojoro be dis again? 110 USD roughly equates to 16,245 NGN... and that's not even the black market rate o!!!

I wanted to laugh out loud this time... but all I could resort to doing was SMDH.

I know say I for no use correct English again to yab these wayo masters but damn it all that comes to mind is:

‘Inglorious Bastards’.

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