la saucisse

I was 14.

On a school trip.

Somehow sex seemed to be everywhere.

The night before, we had come across soft porn on television in the hotel room. I recoiled in horror, thinking I must be in the wrong picture... only for me to look out of our balcony to see two gay men having sex on theirs.

C'est Paris. C'est la vie.

Luckily, the next day was going to be all about Euro Disney (or is it Disneyland Paris now?)... it was strictly PG13 stuff... Mickey Mouse... Minnie Mouse… Daffy Duck… Snow white and the Seven Dwarfs… Goofy… Cinderella… Belle and the Beast… but in truth I was just excited to see Looney Tunes’ finest… Bugs Bunny…

On our way to the theme park, I suddenly found my gaze drawn away from the chatter of girls around me.

I looked out of the window.

I’m not sure what I expected to see... definitely not a man driving erratically near our coach. At first I was afraid. Then I was confused. I kept wondering why he kept throwing glances at coach full of pubescent girls and laughing hysterically; the apparent cause of his bad driving.

A small gasp escaped from my lips as he took one hand off the wheel and lowered it. I knew now that it wasn’t me that was crazy, just him.

Vidya saw my expression and stopped, mid conversation. ‘Girl, what’s wrong?’, she questioned as she leaned over to nudge me. Then she was staring too. Others that had observed our abrupt silence, got up to look out of the window; only to be confronted by the same feeling of disbelief and discomfort.

Which was due to?

The simply fact that the man had whipped out his wiener… and then proceeded to knead his soft sausage... moist.

Jigger, fellers.

It was the first time I had seen one in real life… reddish/purple… swollen… & erect...

I turned my head away. My throat felt dry and tight as I swallowed hard.

At our destination, I tried to push his image to the back of my mind as we were given instructions of when and where we were to meet periodically throughout the day. Soon I was completely distracted of all thoughts that had nothing to do with fun as we hurried to queue for ride after ride; completely intent on enjoying every attraction at the theme park.

Before long, we realised it was time for lunch. After deciding where to eat, we made our way into the food counter. My nausea re-surfaced at the sight of the menu. Not one to miss a thing, Vidya started laughing as she collected her order and said ‘What up prune-face? Aren’t you going to order? Go on... I dare you’. Then just before she took a big bite out of her ready meal, she continued in her best René accent, ‘allo allo… ze flashing knobs... is zat's vot it's all about?’.

I eyed her and hissed.

Then I turned back to the counter and ordered. ‘Les frites, s'il vous plait. C'est ça’.

Hotdogs were simply off my menu…

Read more...

remember the time

In my hotel room in Manchester, I hear that Michael Jackson is in hospital... suffering from cardiac arrest...within minutes Sky News changes it breaking news to say there is an unconfirmed report from TMZ that he is dead.

I sit up in disbelief. I'm feeling weak... sick to my stomach... just like the time I found out that Princess Diana had died; another person whose end was tragic... in my mind both gave so much in life.

My phone rings... it's Niata calling from Nigeria, crying.

My blackberry starts singing again... and again... and again... I check... more new messages about Michael Jackson...

On facebook I see only one new status update... then I see another... then another... I add my own status update to facebook... more and more are updated as each minute passes.... many saying RIP MJ... some saying MJ is just in hospital... others saying don't kill him with your mouth... and one saying he's not dead until CNN says so... so I start to hope again... why? because it is the quintessentially human.

Then LA Times confirm he is gone...and finally CNN do too.

I keep watching the news; then memories of him...HIStory... his songs... come flooding into my mind...

I remember watching Thriller through my fingers as a child and being scared shitless... I remember Billie Jean, Beat It, Wanna be Starting Something... I remember trying to do the moonwalk after watching Motown 25 and failing miserably. To be honest, one of the actual reasons I started learning ballet at the age of 9 was because I wanted to be an En Pointe dancer... there was nothing cooler than being able to stand up on your toes... it was MJ's signature move!!!

I remember Bad... especially, how badly I wanted to be like Tatiana Thumbtzen who featured in his music video for The Way You Make Me Feel. I remember trying to spot the stars/celebrities littered in his Liberian Girl music video... all the time forgetting that I hadn't seen Micheal Jackson until the very end. I remember his other songs like Man in the Mirror, Dirty Diana, I Just Can't Stop Loving You and of course that famous anti gravity lean in the music video for Smooth Criminal...

Please who can forget his epic song We Are the World?... not me... never me...

What about his songs from the Dangerous Album?... Black or White ... OMG, I remember Maizah trying to teach a whole bunch of us at boarding school the dance moves in the music video Remember the Time. I remember Naomi Campbell in In the Closet as well as Michael Jordon in Jam... I remember waiting endlessly to watch the UK music video exlcusive of Who Is It on TV and then thinking chai... na wa for billionaire's boys club escort agency o!!!... I remember re-playing his song Will You Be There… I played that song over and over again in my dorm room in school so I could learn the lyrics.

I remember crying to his Heal the World song... I remember his song Gone Too Soon. *sighs* ... at only 50 years old... isn't that just the truth?!

I remember the amazing visual effects in the Scream music video when it was released... just watching Janet Jackson and her older brother left me in complete awe... funnily enough, I only just watched that same video on some music channel about 2 weeks ago and still thought it to be awesome.

I remember smiling as I watched Michael Jackson's Scarecrow Ease on down the Road with Diana Ross's Dorothy in the film 'The Wiz'.

I will always remember the time I found out that Michael Jackson died.

RIP Michael Jackson... your legacy lives on... know your music was the greatest... it touched so many... the man in the mirror made that change... I'm forever your fan... even though you are gone and I can no longer Rock With You... know still... You Rock My World.

Read more...

jimmy choo

Jimmy Choo is coming to H&M...apologies in advance to all those I'ma elbow outta my way to get a pair...or two pairs...or three pairs...needs must!!!

Read more...

lord of war

That should probably read 'Lords of Wars'... becos both don plenty pass o! Apologies for my absence but I’ve dealing with too many family issues these past weeks… it’s been really HARD keeping up appearances because I just want to explode… family politics is just the shits!… all this because everybody in the House of Agbada Daggers seems content to ‘just throw one's toys out of the pram’… honestly the nursery is in a right royal mess.

‘Always resort to your native tongue in times of anger. And in times of ecstasy’
Really?! Ok sha but na pidgin I go use because e be like say dis mosquito na malaria o!!!... *SMDH*... so make I yarn my tory now make una fit understand wetin dey do me abi?

‘The problem with gun runners going to war, is that there is no shortage of ammunition’
Na true talk be dat o! You see wen money miss road go make mouth… anoda one go make yeye yab am finish… I no even fit support am… who tell am say make he dey carry woman up and down.

Instead wey make chuku chuku pour water for fire he go dey side with cry baby… chuku chuku one no even vex me jare… everybody don know say na corner corner dat one dey do pass… me, I wan laugh wen I hear say he dey tell person make dem chop bullet everytime he wan land... na wa o! Abi him too wan come say all of us no sabi dat na woman wrapper dey do both of dem... from time!!!... mscheeww.

‘The first and most important rule of gunrunning is, never get shot with your own merchandise.’
Wen I see say wahala dey ground, I come say make I try talk small... sotai I talk say na condition dey make crayfish bend… say make we open eye for compound make arm robber no enter… dem no wan hear word… say make I carry go... Na so I come see say dem fit chook me too o!... so me sef I kuku comot for road jejely make dey no use my own join am…

‘They say, "Evil prevails when good men fail to act." What they ought to say is, "Evil prevails."’
From nowhere dem come face gorimpka cry blood… say make he carry dey go… ehnnn? Becos why?! Why dem dey do like fool don pass garri? Please help me beg o!… I no even sabi how he enter wahala with dem… but e be like say na becos he no wan put eye dia.

Fear catch me no be small sha wen I hear dat one sha… mind tell me say make I rush go collect am cos e no even get money enter molue or machine or carbu carbu…

‘You know who's going to inherit the Earth? Arms dealers. Because everyone else is too busy killing each other. That's the secret to survival. Never go to war.’
Wen I reach, see am tanda dia, I tell say make he dey come. Na so moro moro come dey talk tory wey get many leg… dat pololo own no be de only one wey dey for ground... dat na kill and divide cry baby dey do since... say we just dey think say na fren fren dey do am but e be like say chuku chuku wan use style take garri from all our mouth… say im don see say serious wahala already dey for ground already... dat na why he no wan put fire for dis talk... he just dey try patch am.

I just siddon dey look am…I no even fit find mouth talk again… e be like say bad belle don plenty o!... today na today... abi na craze?!!!...*sighs*…

‘They say that I am the lord of war, but perhaps it is you.’
Make I talk true... before before na me dem dey face... as per, if trouble dey na my name dem go first call... dis time sha, I'm truly trying to help where I can even though I don't do stress... this time, ‘I am a man of peace; but when I speak, they are for war.’ Psalm 120:6-7... their irrational human behaviour is just beyond me... so much so, they ALL make me want to SCREAM!!!

Honestly, man pickin don tire!... for now I wash my hands of all the nonesense jare…

p.s
Good Shepherd abeg no vex but needs must… man no die, man no rotten. I know you understand.

Read more...

364 days at Peking

‘…A Squash vine grew beneath a towering tree.
In only twenty days it grew and spread and put forth fruit.
Of the tree it asked: 'How old are you? How many years?'
Replied the tree: 'Two hundred it would be, and surely more.'
The squash laughed and said: 'Look, in twenty days, I've done
More than you; tell me, why are you so slow?'
The tree responded: 'O little Squash, today is not the day of
reckoning between the two of us'
'Tomorrow, when winds of autumn howl down on you and me, then shall it be known for sure which one of us is the most resilient…’

Nasir Khusraw

Above is how I started my very first post.

I've stayed in this foreign land for almost a year... a year on 1st June to be exact.

I have met many new friends on this ‘journey’... including a blogger quite dear to me... better known to all here as Allied... I had the pleasure of meeting her about two weeks ago on my trip to USA.

You have met Shubby Doo and Flying Snow.

Here, I have tried to hold true to the fact that I never wanted this to be my ‘boxer rebellion’ despite the fact that this in itself is a secret society. This escape has been somewhat of a ‘battle’ because unlike ‘the boxers’, I have constantly worried that this incarnation of me would not be impervious to blades or invincible against the ‘fire spears’ of foreigners

Despite my fears, in this ‘Peking’, I have tried to stay true to myself.

Have I succeeded? I guess only The Good Shepherd truly knows :-)

So for the simply fact that in 364 days I never actually chose to ‘escape from Peking to Xian’, I'm going to celebrate this occasion by saying ‘Happy 1 year anniversary’ to this blogspot.

Blogville has been a rich experience to remember...

Read more...